Shadow of My Former Self

Former Self:

• Confident. I was very comfortable to speaking in large crowds and being surrounded by people.
• Self-reliant. I would NEVER dare ask for help.
• Independent. See above. I like to be the CEO, COO and in control of everything in my little world.
• Funny-loving. Life of the party was a common way people would refer to me.
• Outgoing. Loved getting out the house at any chance and for anything.
• Fearless. I was the one who checked on noises in the middle of the night.
• Easy-going. Thought most people took life too seriously and just needed to enjoy the ride.

Shadow:

• Timid. I get sweaty and fidgety just talking to two people now. 
• Needy. I have prepared about 10 meals since it happened and have numerous people helping with childcare and housework.
• Dependent. I follow my husband around like a sick little puppy.
• Sappy and emotional. I cry at You Tube videos and Biggest Loser now. (I know most people do anyhow, but I never use to.)
• Introverted. I would be perfectly content to not leave the house for weeks and have done just that on more than one occasion.
• Scared. I made my husband put bars over the kids windows so they wouldn't roll out of them while they slept. I have nightmares that wake me up screaming like a child. I ask my husband what the noise is outside every night. "A car door," he says every time. (You would think I would pick on my neighbor's work schedule by now.) 
• Anxious. This is a BIG one for me. I have panic attacks now. They are embarrassing, debilitating and leave me without sleep for sometime days.

Welcome to grief huh? It is the sad reality that the aftermath of trauma affects our mind and body as well as our hearts.

I have been so upset at the loss of "me" with my the death of my child.

There are incredibly wise people in my life and one of them, who has seen an overdose of loss in her own life, told me the anxiety is simply your body's way of adjusting to the mental stress. It makes sense.
We look at grief as such a spiritual journey we forget the physical aspects.
And I am finding that as difficult as it may be to walk around as a shadow it actually helps me be the person God designed me to be in more natural way. Without those physical trials I would still be the independent person who thought she control everything on her own. Now, I may be a needy, scared child at times, but..

I have no choice but to lean on others.

I have no choice but to cry out for God.

These are lessons I am thankful that God loves me enough to teach me.