Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Let's BOOK it!!!

As most of you know we are doing a book drive in lieu of gifts for Claudie's 1st Birthday Celebration and Balloon Release. Each book will constitute a "kiss" for Claudie so hopefully we can reach our 365 GOAL!

We love this idea because we loved sitting in the big yellow chair reading to our littles (even Claudie in my belly) and we want other parents to create such memories for their littles!


Each book will go directly to a NICU baby/family. You are more than welcome to write something kind in the front or "in memory of" a loved one you might have lost.

These books will be used as a bonding experience for the parents and babies since most of the time the are unable to be held.

If you would like to donate a book, you may either bring them to the Birthday Celebration and Balloon Release or we are more than willing to pick them up if you are local. For our out-of-towners that want to donate a book send me a message and I will find the easiest way to get them from you.

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

You have each helped ease the pain of last year for us.We hope to see everyone at the celebration and balloon release!

If you would like to attend the celebration you may RSVP here: http://www.evite.com/event/032E2XEFUI3W34KDIEPDH5PPVWDIRI

Sunday, October 27, 2013

Big Sister is 4!

Your big sister turns four tomorrow!! Can you believe it?

I so wish you were here to celebrate with us. Today she picked lots of flowers for you!
She is always picking flowers (weeds) for you.

You guys would be so cute together. 

She has this silly little voice and always saying witty and crazy little quips. Like Friday I swerved to the other side of street to avoid a trash truck and she said, "It's like we are in London, mom!" That's Amelie always transporting herself into a dream land.

She is tiny and gets held a lot still which we love because it is nice to have a little one we can snuggle on.

She adores LIFE. She loves BIG. She laughs LOUD!
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Happy Birthday Amelie Cecile! Life is BRIGHTER with you in it!

Thursday, October 24, 2013

On Losing LIVING Loved Ones

I excepted to be grief struck at the loss of the twins, my mom, and my daughter. I expected there to be many lonely days without them. But I NEVER NEVER expected to lose LIVING friends and even family members with their death.

It shocked me to my core when it first happened. I thought I was just imagining things. Then there were the friends who deleted me from FB. I realized that people don't like to open their FB page every morning and hear from "debbie-downer" as one friend put it before she deleted and blocked me. I realized I put myself and my emotions out there openly and sometimes that will get a backlash. But I guess what I don't completely understand is why the backlash to begin with?

I am the common denominator in all these situations so it has to be something to do with me right? I have a rather bold personality and have not been shy about how I am feeling most days. However, believe it or not I do hold back on a lot of occasions and times that are kept for me and my heart.

I have also heard from people that it has nothing to do with  "my losses" they have always disliked me. I can respect that. There are people in this world I don't get along with either. But I have known these people most of life. Why now the hateful comments and actions behind my back and some to my face? Am I just now noticing it? Am I too emotional to put up with silly stuff and it becomes something bigger?

I really believe it has more to do than with just me however. I have also seen my more shy, grieving friends feel the surprising backlash from their friends after losing their loved ones. Many people have had difficulties with relationship that before this were seamless. I have noticed the same in my own experiences.

Perhaps, why these people are hurting others that are hurting is because they have been there too and it brings up a prickle in their hearts they have long since tried to suppress. A grief that the mere presence of us brings it to the surface and they can't take it so they have to drive us away in the quickest way possible.

I am not sure really. I am just thinking through it all. I do know that as unexpected as losing loved ones to death was, it is much more shocking that I continue to lose loved ones that are living. It is lonely at times. Very lonely.

(I am sure a bunch of you just read this and said, "um, I have been there for her!" And YOU HAVE! I know I have a wonderful support system. But just as losing a baby isn't replaced with having another baby, losing a living loved one isn't replaced by having lots more that are there for you.) 

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Looking down...

It has hit me many times over the last five years or so I have done the opposite of what my mantra "upward and onward" is. 
Instead I have looked downward and backward. 

Why you ask? Well, because there often seems to be little voices down there tugging at my leg. And believe me those little voices speak the truth. Deep, raw (and LOUD) truth. 
I have found on more occasions than I have given the little ones in my life credit for, my children have been the voice of reason and more importantly the voice of God.  

There was one occasion mere days after I got home from delivering Claudie that Amelie, who had just turned three at the time, crawled up in my lap and said, "Don't cry mommy. We will see Claudie soon." Simple right? But what truth. We WILL see Claudie SOON! I didn't even know that she even knew Claudie had died at that point. And what struck me so deeply and SHE believed IT! I knew she did because I saw it in her big brown eyes. No one had told her. She just knew.
Big brother Henry constant words of wisdom and his courage through everything is something we could all learn from too. He is honest about his sadness but he has NEVER for a second doubted that he would see his sister again. He also continually gives his hopeless-at-times mommy HOPE. Saying things like, "We will have a baby again one day, okay mom?" 

But perhaps the littlest little that has taught me so much is Claudette herself. I have learned to live more, love more and have been inspired by her on more occasions that I can count. 


Psalm 8:2 NIV
From the lips of children and infants you have ordained praise because of your enemies, to silence the foe and the avenger

Thursday, October 17, 2013

I don't want to let go!

This weekend we had a memorial service for you and your twin siblings and all the babies that have left too soon.

Mommy read you the letter I read to you on the day of your funeral, Letter from Mommy.

It was a beautiful afternoon full of love, music and sweet remembrances.

After we added your name to the tree (sorry mommy wrote it upside down)...

...we all walked over to open area after the ceremony and proceeded to release our balloons.

Off they went...
Up Up...
...and away

As we watched most of the balloons go off into the sky, I noticed a certain little 5 year old brother holding on to his still...

What's going on buddy? I ask. 
"I don't want to let go!"

Oh brother Henry I don't want to let go either!

He looked up at me with his big hazel eyes and asked, "Is this all we get?"
I am pretty sure he was bummed because he thought that made we were going up with the balloons or there was not hot air balloon ride included with the balloon release or something of the sort. But for whatever reason he felt it, I felt exactly the same! 
This is ALL we get???? As I said in my letter to you. I want to know you at 2. At 10. At 20.
So your big brother let go of his balloon (ever so unwillingly) and proceeded to lay on the ground and cry. EXACTLY what I wanted to do at that point.
But we got up and looked to the sky and off your balloon floated to you in the heavens. It's a poor replacement for having you here, but it is all we got...
for now!
 See ya soon! 
Love, Mommy

Friday, October 11, 2013

Be Kind! (I need YOU on this one)

So most of you know probably know about the Kisses for Claudie Project by now. But in case you didn't you can click here to find out about the details.

The gist of it is that we will do 365 Random Acts of Kindness in the first year of her life to pass on the love we would have given Claudie in the first year of her life. We call each act a "Kiss" (because the hardest part of not having her here is not being able to kiss her chubby cheeks everyday) and each act is recorded on her FB page, instagram, twitter, or messaged directly to me from the blog.

With November coming up a lot of you like to post about what you are grateful for on FB each day in November. What better way to show your gratitude than giving back. So I thought of just a few of you committed to do a kind act each day thru the month of November we could reach our goal easy, peasy!

The acts can be as easy as smiling at a stranger. But the MUST BE RECORDED! Why? Because kindness breeds kindness and the whole point of the project do what Claudie inspired us to do: 

Pictures or videos are a plus, but just a quick note about the act is absolutely great!

And I have great news! We already have one volunteer: ME! I turn 33 on the 16th of November and plan on spending my day doing 33 kind acts. Yes, I know 3 more than necessary, but I like extra credit points.

....AND everyone who participates receives this lovely shirt:

So who is with me??!?! You? Your kiddos?

If you are interested please respond below on the blog or feel free to drop me an email alyviae@gmail.com