After Dustin died I prayed and prayed for God to send me love again. I naively thought it would be perfectly fitting and socially acceptable grief time frame of at least over 1 year mark, preferably 7 years since that seems to be the timing others actually are worried about you moving forward. Careful what you pray for right?!
....So I wrote the above a while back and went to finish this blog post and surprised myself to find that I have changed how I view my life to date. I do indeed NOT FEEL GUILTY because I am indeed not replacing Dustin any more than Teddy was a replacement for Claudie. It isn't Teddy's job to make me feel better after the death of his sister. Teddy's mere presence does however create healing.
Dustin's love was complete and full enough to last me until the end of my days. I do not need a substitute for him. In fact, I do not even WANT a substitute for him. There is NO SUBSTITUTE FOR HIM! But what I never excepted to miss so much was companionship. You create a life of communicating the mundane and trivial and it makes you feel connected. I am so blessed to have found someone who understands this on a very core level since they are a widower.
And the same goes for my children. Although, I don't know that it needs to be stated I will state it because I felt it needed to be stated when my dad move forward after my mom dying: there is no substitute for my children's father. He was enough for them! Just as I need companionship my children find value in a male playing legos with them and listening to their stories. My children are happy for this. This makes me the happiest because I am seeing that they do not have guilt they just take life for what is was given to them and are living this cruddy life the best way they know how. Once again my kids teach more than I could ever teach them.
I am realizing life is weirder and harder than I could ever imagine. I realize that judgement will come from those who do not understand moving forward at 7 months. (Do not worry I gave myself way more judgement than you could ever dish at me. ) I realize life will continue to be harder than hard and I will never be "healed". But I also know as long as I am honest with myself and my grief that life can be more beautiful than I could ever imagine.
The funny thing is I want to share this happy news with Dustin most of all and know he would be most happy for me of anyone.
