The Empty Minivan

Our minivan has 157,213 miles on it. It has nice fat dent in it from the first day we purchased it. (Hey, I was not used to pulling in and out of parking spaces with a swagger wagon yet.) Behind the passenger seat there is duck tape because of four years of little feet trying to reach toys.

I purchased the van about twenty seconds after we found out we were pregnant with our second child. I remember driving home from the dealership and Dustin looking in the backseat with just our little six month old in the backseat laughing. "How many kids are we going to have?" he joked.

The van seats eight...sounded good to me. It would fit a double stroller, maybe even triple stroller nicely.

Despite losing my "cool card" that I never really possessed, I remember feeling incredibly blessed as I drove my minivan home. I remember thinking I will look in the rear view mirror and see all the kids that will fill it to the brim, hear all the squeaking little voices that will distract me from driving safely...but heck it has like 18 air bags, right?

Flash forward two years later...

Driving to my mother in laws house, I had twins in my belly, a two year old little girl with piggies in one seat and a three year with a cowboy hat in the other. I remember thinking after we found out we were having twins that it was such a good thing we found a nice van for so cheap. But after we dropped off the kiddos we were to head to the hospital to deliver the twins long before their time. The mini would never know hold two infant carriers at the same time. Its third row looked so empty. I felt so stupid. Why was I driving a mini van?

Another year passed...

"Do you want me to take it out of the car?" my sister timidly asked of the car seat Dustin has so carefully placed a week earlier expecting the arrival of our daughter.
I nodded yes. I couldn't conjure up words. It was 7am and we were headed to the hospital to deliver Claudette. We would not need the car seat because she would not be coming home with us.

Present day...

We have used and abused the van over and over again. I have popped down that third row on more times than I can count to put my latest garage sale finds in the back, but we have never needed the third row for our kids and I am not sure we ever will.


My plans included filling up the van to capacity. To driving back and forth to grocery stores and park dates with it seats occupied and I have done just that, but the third row is empty and now we need are close to the point of selling it and the question arises, do we need another mini or we being presumptuous again?

July 21, 2014

Mom,
Last year I was blown away about how much each year has turned further into something harder and yet more beautiful I blogged about it in my post July 21, 2013.

Now here we are a year later sitting in the same hospital we lost you and Claudie. The same hospital that performed dad's open heart. We are sitting in the same chairs in the same waiting room, with the same nurse, the same doctor, and the same beautiful sun that set the night we lost you two years ago rose over the same sky this morning.

Surreal.

It provides great comfort but also great anxiety. I am worried for the kids other grandma as she faces a huge surgery. They...we simply can't lose another person so important in our lives. We gave her flowers with an angel hanging from them that says, "A guardian angel watches over you."

I don't know 100% that is how it all works. I don't know that you truly have the capability to control in any way the outcome of what happens today or any day. Ultimately, I know that fate lays only in the hands of the God who creates life. But, my speculation is who have some control over how the day feels. Because I feel ya momma! I feel in the woman in the yellow shirt. I feel ya in the white butterfly that has been following me since I found out Dustin's mom would have this surgery last Wednesday. I feel you in my heart.

I am sad because I miss you today, but I am more happy than sad because today is your birthday. Your FAVORITE day! I can sense you dancing and rejoicing, getting way more joy than any ice cream cake on this earth can ever provide.

Happy 65th mom!!
See ya soon.

Love,
me