Tsunami

Picked up Henry from preK, driving along with the kids quiet in the car and BAM! It hit like a tsunami. Within seconds I was uncontrollably crying. It doesn't normally hit as hard when the kids are around. It is usually in the wee hours of the night when my mind gets a chance to process everything. Perhaps, it hit because this week she would be 3 months old.

Has anyone seen The Impossible? If you haven't, you should. It is an incredible movie based on a true story about the tragic tsunami in 2004 that hit the Indian Ocean and killed over 230,000 people. There is a scene wherein Henry and Maria and their three sons are having an incredible Christmas vacation swimming at the pool and then BAM the tidal wave hits and the ground beneath their feet shakes all while the sun continues to shine over their heads. This is all I can compare the feeling to. Like I am drowning. Like the water overtakes me and I struggle to know if I will ever just getting to wading the water again.

I remember weeks before I delivered Claudette, telling my husband that I felt as if I was walking along the beach and every once in a while feeling the water on my toes, but had yet to feel the tidal wave of grief everyone else seemed to feel over loosing my mom. Little did I know how big a wave was soon to hit. 

Honestly, I feel as if I have been riding waves for 12 weeks. Up and down. Up and down. Sometimes I get slapped in the face with water. Sometimes I feel stronger for being able to ride them out to the shore. I remember the first time I swam in the ocean I loved riding the waves so much that I stayed in for hours. Then when I laid in bed that night I kept feeling the up and down motion even though I was out of the water. I pretty sure this how I will feel for the rest of my days.