Thursday, January 17, 2013

Words/Phrases that Drive Me Nuts


Angel baby  The idea is amazing. I mean it implies your child has angels wings and is watching out for us. Cool, right? Yes, there is some comfort hearing this, but for some reason from the first time I heard when I lost the twins it immediately took away their humanity. It took away my ability to be their mom. I am not the mom of cherub. I am the mom of chubby baby. Angels don't wear cute little clothes and spit up all over them. Angels don't cry from 3-5pm because they are gassy. Babies do.

"God needed another angel." See above. And might I add this one really adds zero comfort.

Miscarriage  The prefix "mis" is what throws me off I think. Like I carried the baby wrong or "missed" the mark or something. It almost implies wrong doing on the mother's part.

Stillborn In a way I like this term cause it actually says they were "still" born, meaning they actually existed on this earth. In a different vein I hate it because it implies they are "still" or stiff. It congers imagines of rigor mortis. I HATE it for that reason. Probably the worse reason I don't like this term is because I think a lot of people don't really understand what it means. By the way it means a loss of pregnancy after 20 weeks.

Rainbow baby This is a new one to me. I had to google it because I kept hearing it. Basically it is the term for having another baby after loosing one. I am sorry but it just sounds dumb. I get the sentiment that like a rainbow after a storm there is hope. But not only does it sound silly in my opinion it also kind makes it sound like all is well if you just have another baby. It probably also hurts because technically my rainbow baby died.

"It happened a reason" Ok,  thanks so did my morning BM.

"It was for the best" How is my baby dying for the best? How is my mom dying for the best? Yes, yes I get it; their suffering ended. But wouldn't the best be them not suffering and living a great life with us? I don't completely mind this one though because I know it ultimately is for the best because heaven is the way better than a life here.

"You have two beautiful children." What I hear: "At least you have other kids."  Kids aren't interchangeable. I think before I had kids my desire was just to simply be a mom and didn't realize the specialness of each individual child and pregnancy and therefore the unique connection that was made at each time I saw a pink line.

"You will have another child someday." What I hear: "Someone will replace Claudette." Seriously, if you lost your mom no one would say you will have another mom someday.

"Maybe your life was spared for hers?" My personal favorite (or least favorite). I mean seriously, does any mother want to choose their life over their child's? To me it also takes away the importance of her life. I don't think anyone would say that to a parent who lost a five year old.

You are probably thinking by now, "Geesh, we are just trying to help! I am never going to talk to her again." Honestly, everything I said above (well except that comment about your life being spared for hers) is ok to say to me. The fact is I used to use and still use some of these terms and phrases. It comes from a good place when people are telling me my baby is an angel. I know this. There real reason that all this causes me pain is well because death is painful. I want my mom's life to be more important than "for a reason". I want to remember my daughters ten fingers and ten toes she did have not the angel wings she didn't. 

Ok, I feel better.


Addendum 3 months later...
Probably the words that drive me MOST nuts are:
"Can't think of anything that has been more painful that NO WORDS! Say something for crying out loud! SAY SOMETHING! You are afraid your words will be hurtful, there is nothing more hurtful than  SILENCE! I will give you too words you can say, "I'm here."

3 comments:

Erika said...

Thanks for sharing a window into your world. I can't imagine what you're going through. This blog is a really healthy outlet for exploring your feelings and will be a resource to other women going through the grief process.

Sam said...

Its so hard. People say things to try and make you feel better, but none of it does. At least they are attempting to be helpful. I had someone tell me the reason I lost my baby is because I got pregnant out of wedlock and that was God's punishment on me. Thanks. So helpful to know that God would kill my baby to punish me. So I guess all those crack-whores who pop out kids are "worthy" in God's eyes, but I am to be judged and my baby killed because of what I did. Ughghghghg.

What I have come to realize is that these things are simply the result of living in a sinful world. Young children pass, people get cancer, etc. All of these "bad" things are the result of sin. And it hurts. It hurts A LOT. But we have the gift of knowing the Great Comforter. The one who loves us and knows our hurts intimately. The one who cries alongside us. And the only one that can give us the hope of reunification some day.

Anonymous said...

Yes, yes, YES!

So many terms try to "nice-ify" what we have been and are going through. My baby did not magically "grow wings" (another phrase that irks me). He passed away. It's devastating and I cry every single day.

Grief is powerful and raw, it isn't pretty and nice.

"Rainbow baby" makes me uncomfortable. While I know that for our family, should we be blessed with a fourth baby they will bring a joy all their own, as each of my three children so far have brought. However, it is not the duty of that child to make everything "better". Nor could anything or anyone make the loss of my 3rd child "better".