Questions? (Part 1)

So tomorrow we go to the perinatalogist to discuss the results of the autopsy. I am super nervous to put it mildly. The report was sent to the doctor a couple of weeks ago for her to look over and then discuss with us, but I feel like my nerves are because she will most likely give us "standard" answers and not the depth in which we desire.

If you recall from my previous post the autopsy said: "cardiomegaly (enlarged heart) resulting in hydrops fetalis (massive fluid overload usually resulting in death) caused by maternal diabetes." After further research we question the results of this for several reasons. First off, my diabetes was in better control than non-diabetics at the beginning of pregnancy and in better control than any of the other pregnancies. Second, I had a horrible cough/cold for the last month of pregnancy (still really hasn't gone away) and viruses are the #1 cause of hydrops. Third, the baby had a extensive fetal echo at 24 weeks which showed and I quote the pediatric cardiologist "a very strong heart which is a testament to good diabetic control." Fourth, I had weekly biophysicals which showed nothing even up to the day she might of died. For those of you who don't know, a biophysical is like a high level ultrasound and a non-stress test in one. This one gets me. You think something would have showed up. These conditions should not just happen overnight. And fifth I was showing obvious signs of something amiss. The baby weighed over nine pounds and I was HUGE at 36weeks. Here is a picture taken around the time of that ultrasound:

So based on these facts we have a list of written questions and need thoughtful answers to each for many reasons.

#1. We need answers. Simple as that. Our child died and we want to know why.

#2.  We want to know whether her death may or may not have been preventable.  This is not to place blame on anyone. We just need to know so another child doesn't die needlessly.

#3. We need to know if having more biological children is a possibility. This really gets me. It will direct my path of grief.  If indeed the death was caused by my diabetes then it makes for a real soul searching on my part to not go down a path of guilt. If it was just a biased assumption than we need to look for other causes and decide whether or not we could handle the possibility of another tragedy. Even though the conclusions of the autopsy results were based on incomplete facts, we know we may never truly the ultimate cause.

We have about 15 or so more in depth questions with which I will not bore you with.

We are human, so we want answers. Heck, if I google "hydrops fetalis" one more time, I think my browser might explode. But ultimately any conclusion I know I should not fear because God is in control. But I would be lying if I didn't say I need more peace with all of this. So please pray for wisdom for the doctor tomorrow am but more importantly a sense of peace for us no matter what the outcome so that God's may ultimately be glorified through all of this.