We have FIVE kids?!

About 90 minutes into our first date, Dustin asked me how many kids I wanted. I remember the moment so vividly mainly because it was a shocking question. I was standing right in front of Restoration Hardware on the Plaza. I looked at my shy date like he was crazy, but truth be told I think I realized I was in love with him right then and there. I was so excited to have kids and a whole LOT of them, so being asked that question was incredible. I told Dustin I wanted 8 of course. It was all I knew and I loved everything about being a part of a big family. Dustin said he wanted 5. As the years went on I decided five was perfect...8 was too many, 4 wasn't quite enough, 5 it would be.

Throughout the course of our marriage, we loved dreaming of our five children (Don't tell Dustin, but I secretly had them all named and renamed a bizzion times). We liked the idea of conceiving three and adopting two.

Henry was born and we were over the moon. Then his little Irish twin, Amelie,  was born 14 months and 1 day later. Thanks for the fertility gene mom!


My health was not great, so I was focusing on getting things "in control" before we conceived again. I think God giggled at that "in control" idea and much to my shock I was pregnant again. I'm not sure who was more excited me or my mom when she found out we were having twins. She was a twin herself and her twin sister's daughter was expecting twins as well. It was an incredible time!

This is what 6 weeks looks like with twins after you just had two over ten pounders:



Later we found out they shared the same sac and same amniotic fluid making them identical twins, which is not a result of heredity, but rather just a "chance" happening. This was even more shocking because our families combined make for seven sets of fraternal twins, which are highly hereditary. And then it dawned on my we would have 4 children under 3!!! YIKES!!! Things just kept getting more exciting!

By 10 weeks, I had several ultrasounds to rule out what is called MOMO twins. Basically, it means there is no divider between the babies and it often results in the cord entanglement. It requires hospital bedrest and monitoring sometimes as soon as 20 weeks. Despite hearing that I can honestly say I NEVER thought for a moment we would loss either of them. I can still see the ultrasound screen when the perinatologist told us neither of them had a heartbeat any longer. The babies were holding each other. It was heart-breaking.

I told myself that they would always be remembered. I told the kids they each had a guardian angel watching over them. I cried and cried and cried for weeks. It changed me. It devastated our family.

Something in us clicked and Dustin and I felt we needed to try to get pregnant again as soon as possible. So when we found out about little Claudie we were back on track for our 3 conceived babies and 2 adopted. I was assured a thousand times from everyone lightening doesn't strike twice. "No the last miscarriage wasn't a predictor of another." "Yes, this pregnancy was going fine." By 38 1/2 weeks I was convinced. You all know what happens next.

So when someone asked me yesterday how many kids did we had, I didn't know how to answer it. I mean how do you answer that question? I answered two. I felt so guilty, but I didn't want to make them feel bad about asking and answer two with an angel baby. Or do I answer two, with an angel baby and two other smaller angel babies?!

I don't know and quite frankly I can't stand  saying "angel" baby when it comes to Claudette. I feel like perhaps the twins are angel babies because they went from my womb to God's arms directly. But with Claudette she went from my womb to my arms. She was a child. It takes away her humanity some how. It is just another one of those terms that really bothers me, like stillborn. OK, that is a topic for another day.

Anyway, I just stood there like a deer in headlights not even knowing how to answer how many children I have. I have thought about that question so many times since her death. I know in our hearts and minds we have five child. No, it was not how we dreamed. No we don't have a table full of kids right now as we often discussed. But God has fulfilled our dream. How crazy does that sound? I watched a video last night of a woman who had two miscarriages back to back and when pregnant with her third she told God he could have this baby too. I had an epiphany. These five children that I thought I planned, were planned by God. They are His and I am His. So despite my sadness I am grateful my dream came true and that we have five kids.