Real Men Cry

I have been thinking a lot today about how grief effects men, namely the men in my life. I have had to lean on the men in life so much of late, all of them even the little guy who is pretending to be Fireman Sam right now.

Henry is my very thoughtful and pensive little four year old. He told us there were two babies in my belly well before we learned of the twins. He told us that Claudette was girl before I had the first ultrasound. He has always been super perceptive and with that has comes sensitivity. He much more than my daughter I have found needs hugging and reassurance. It has been really hard to see him deal with the disappointment and grief of loosing his sister. He asked me a couple of nights ago with tears in his eyes, "why do babies die before they live?" He is always asking questions like this. His sadness seems to always be at the surface.  I love his sensitivity however, because it also results in great compassion and truth be told what every mom really loves, more cuddle time with mommy. But what will happen when he is say a 32 year man?

Well if  the apple doesn't fall from the tree, then I lucked out, cause the 32 year old version of Mr. Henry is a thoughtful, kind and yes even sensitive man. No, that doesn't mean Dustin doesn't enjoy football as much as the next guy, but it does mean he isn't afraid to dare I say it...cry. For those of you who say real mean don't cry, then they haven't met my husband, because he is the real deal. I have never thought he was more manly when he was holding our precious little girl and crying, and not just tear in the corner of the eye but really bawling. I don't think I have ever loved my husband so much as that moment.

As my husband was overcome with tears, my tearful dad came over and embraced Dustin. While I joked that my support system was falling apart, I was actually so touched at the open emotions the men in my life show. They didn't try to stay strong for me and keep it all inside. In actuality it was more helpful that they didn't bottle up their emotions. I loved that they cried and cried and didn't care who saw or heard them.

But in reality men do not cry and vocalize their emotions as much as women. This often leaves the large portion of well wishes and good thoughts directed toward the women. It makes me sad for Dustin. While I have such a huge support system, Dustin has close family that haven't acknowledged the death of our daughter. About two weeks after we lost her, someone actually asked him, "so are things back to normal now?" He took it in stride as he does everything, but it would be ignorant of me to not know that it hurts him as much as it would me.

I also have watched my dad take things in stride with some supernatural strength.  They both inspire me so much in my own journey. I have gone to them for wisdom on so many matters and how to navigate this difficult time. They are always there for me and I realize their sadness is just as close to the surface as little Henry's. I don't pretend to understand the differences between men and women, nor do I wish to, but I do know this: we both feel the same amount of sadness and loss.