Thursday, January 3, 2013

January 3rd

Sorry for those of you have a birthday or anniversary or the like today. But what a depressing date: January 3. The 2nd you still have the holiday high and are kinda happy to be back in the swing of things. The third reality hits. You must get up every morning in the freezing cold and continue on until the next holiday, Valentine's Day, rolls around. (Yes, I love that hallmark holiday.) Now you just have to continue back to the grind of work, school, life. I know, I know, I sound very depressing.

But today was especially hard for me for the above listed reasons and that I received some "unedited" photos of her birth. For those of you have had a baby that died in the womb you know what I mean by unedited. Yes, I will treasure those pictures dearly in time and do already in a way. I am also deeply grateful to my dear friend and nurse for taking them for us.  However, for now I would be lying if I said they didn't hurt to see her that way. The most difficult aspect to see how my husband and I look. I was in shock for the first week I think, so I didn't realize what was happening most of the time. Seeing the look on our faces as we held our gorgeous daughter is alarming. Let's just put it this way, it is not the look you are supposed to have when you first lay eyes on your baby. Grief and shock fills our faces. But it is most beautiful to also see how much love was in our eyes the moment we saw her.  I never connected with my other children the first time I held them. She was different. I connected immediately. In fact, I felt I knew her personality before she was born and I knew I was right the moment I held her.

So when my husband arrived home from his work day, he found me in bed and sobbing. I hate to admit it, but it is true. I also started a new medication that makes me very nauseated and I struggled with blood sugars issues all day and stir crazy children so I was done by the time 5:30 rolled around.
My sweet hubby looked at the pictures, took his turn to grieve for a few moments, then looked at me and said, "I will get the kids ready. You look great. Let's get out of this house." Looked great?! Ya right! Concealer has become my best friend lately and I still have permanent dark circles and puffy eyes.

Going out was momentarily set back by seeing a darling little girl that looked like Claudie in the same carseat that she had, which is weird because I searched high and low for that color and make of carseat. And it didn't help that we saw the same dress we buried her in on clearance. But despite all that my wise husband was right. Sharing a salad, a little retail therapy and a redbox helped a bit.

So now I will snuggle up next to him and watch a movie and prepare myself for January 4- the first day back to preK for the little man.

An edited picture of the day...



5 comments:

Unknown said...

You are an amazing woman. Please know you all are still in my prayers.

Unknown said...

"Ah, when the mighty wings of the angel of death nestle over your heart's treasures, and his black shadows broods over your home, it shakes the heart with a shuddering terror and horror of great darkness. As I stand by the little grave, and think of the poor ruined clay within, that was a few days ago so beautiful, my heart bleeds. But I ask, "Where is the soul whose beams gave that clay all its beauty and preciousness? " I triumph."

RL Dabney, Presbyterian Pastor and Theologian of the 19th century

livycel said...

I'm amazed at your strength in your own grief.

livycel said...

Wow. Beautiful! Thanks dad.

annye said...

Livy-your writing amazes me each time I read this. Thank you for sharing your heart your hurt ,your pain as it reminds us of the pain you and Dustin are going through each day.We so long for the day when we meet our beautiful niece in glory.I will never forget how beautiful she was and how perfect the Lord created her. Love you and praying for continued strength to get through each day.