{Tis the Season}

The clock has struck midnight on Halloween and we are all quickly bombarded with the sights, sounds, and smells of the holidays.

November has always been my favorite month. Despite it's beauty, it also happens to be my birth month.

{Celebrate}

But this November is very different.
This month marks our what would be our daughter's first birthday...Black Friday.
The anniversary of the day we found out she died...Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving! Yes the day of gratitude. One of my favorite holidays. Good food. Family. Warmth. The commencement of the Christmas.

{Gulp}

So how do I handle the holidays this year? I know enough by now to not know how I will feeling. So I have tried to kindly tell everyone I will not be committing to any celebrations, even for my birthday.

That went over like a lead balloon and I am already committed to several things. So how does one protect one's heart when everyone else is celebrating? I honestly don't know what to answer that. I do know that you must be true to yourself and honest with others or else all hell breaks loose on another yet to be determined occasion...usually a very inopportune occasion.

I wish I could blink and make all the memories of what last year stay hopeful and happy. But they are tainted now. 

Last year at this time I was waddling my big old belly from bed to couch. Trying to take advantage of time with the older children as baby was soon to make her appearance. Oh, to go back in time and have that expectant joy.

Now as each leaf falls it is another reminder of the impending "D-day".   Every sight. Every smell. Every sound. All reminders of her absence.

It is all enough to make me want to hide under the covers til January 2.  And while I don't know if I will pull myself out of bed as the Macy's Day floats roll down the streets of NYC, I do know that I am thankful for ALL my children, living or not...and that is something to be CELEBRATED!