Shadow of My Former Self

Former Self:

• Confident. I was very comfortable to speaking in large crowds and being surrounded by people.
• Self-reliant. I would NEVER dare ask for help.
• Independent. See above. I like to be the CEO, COO and in control of everything in my little world.
• Funny-loving. Life of the party was a common way people would refer to me.
• Outgoing. Loved getting out the house at any chance and for anything.
• Fearless. I was the one who checked on noises in the middle of the night.
• Easy-going. Thought most people took life too seriously and just needed to enjoy the ride.

Shadow:

• Timid. I get sweaty and fidgety just talking to two people now. 
• Needy. I have prepared about 10 meals since it happened and have numerous people helping with childcare and housework.
• Dependent. I follow my husband around like a sick little puppy.
• Sappy and emotional. I cry at You Tube videos and Biggest Loser now. (I know most people do anyhow, but I never use to.)
• Introverted. I would be perfectly content to not leave the house for weeks and have done just that on more than one occasion.
• Scared. I made my husband put bars over the kids windows so they wouldn't roll out of them while they slept. I have nightmares that wake me up screaming like a child. I ask my husband what the noise is outside every night. "A car door," he says every time. (You would think I would pick on my neighbor's work schedule by now.) 
• Anxious. This is a BIG one for me. I have panic attacks now. They are embarrassing, debilitating and leave me without sleep for sometime days.

Welcome to grief huh? It is the sad reality that the aftermath of trauma affects our mind and body as well as our hearts.

I have been so upset at the loss of "me" with my the death of my child.

There are incredibly wise people in my life and one of them, who has seen an overdose of loss in her own life, told me the anxiety is simply your body's way of adjusting to the mental stress. It makes sense.
We look at grief as such a spiritual journey we forget the physical aspects.
And I am finding that as difficult as it may be to walk around as a shadow it actually helps me be the person God designed me to be in more natural way. Without those physical trials I would still be the independent person who thought she control everything on her own. Now, I may be a needy, scared child at times, but..

I have no choice but to lean on others.

I have no choice but to cry out for God.

These are lessons I am thankful that God loves me enough to teach me.

Why I "LIKE" Facebook

 

 

WHY I Facebook:

1. I  LIKE venting. I mean who doesn't like posting about the bratty kids next to them at Chic-fil-a.(Oh no, that means someone has posted about my kids too...oops.)

2. I  LIKE telling people I am pregnant with twins and getting 98 notes of congratulations and equal if not more likes.

3. I LIKE telling those same 98 people I miscarried my twins at one time. It was hard enough to type the words out. I can't imagine having to relive my story dozens and dozens of times via the phone or face to face conversations.

4. I LIKE seeing my nieces and nephews that live in a bunch of different states and hearing stories about them at a whim. (BTW you can HIDE the person who post a bizzion pics of their kids...see now you have no excuse to be annoyed with me!)

5. I LIKE birthdays! I mean who doesn't like pretty much EVERY one of their friends remembering the day of their birth, let alone wishing them a happy birthday on the actual day? Makes a person feel special, I tell ya.

6. I LIKE getting to know people better. Yes, I know social media is a poor replacement for in person but it still helps me to understand a lot of people on a deeper level than I would of otherwise.

7. I LIKE that I don't have to go to my HS reunion now...or at least if  I do it will be for the right reasons, not just to see who got fat.

8. I LIKE that I can create an illusion. I have taken a picture of me in my house at 5pm wherein I didn't look bloated and you couldn't see the tornado the toddlers had created all day. GENIUS.

9. I LIKE reality TV. Enough said.

10. I LIKE hearing about what social and political views matter to my friends (seriously!) and seeing post about how ignorant I would be if I don't agree with said social and political post (not seriously!).

11. I LIKE sharing my own social and political views and shoving those views down my friends throat.

12. I LIKE sharing and creating pages about things I think need to change and reaching 100s if not 1000s in one quick swoop. Pages such as this CLICK HERE. (Told you I shoved!)

13. I LIKE you. I get to call all 651 of you my "friends" whether we have met or not. Isn't that why we are all on Facebook?

Hi Ho Hi Ho It's Off to Work I Go...

Hey Sweet Cheeks,

So mommy's "maternity leave" ends this week. My first official shift will be on daylight's savings time. Kinda lucked out there since I will only have to work 11 hours instead of 12 hours. Who am I kidding? It will still be 12 hours!

I am a bit anxious about it. Instead of spending my first shift showing off pictures of you and having extra breaks to pump, it will just be a "normal" shift back after three months off and almost six long months from working on the unit.  I don't know if I am more concerned about those who don't know about what happened or those who do. I am trying to prepare myself for both.

I am different person now. Returning seems so odd. Unnatural in a way. As you know I attempted to quit, but that didn't work out. But I am also a bit excited about it. It will be nice to have adult conversations (no offense) despite the fact they happen at usually around 3 am. It will also be nice to get back a large part of who I am.

I am nurse in my soul and it is hard to be away from bedside care for so long. The excitement of the hospital is unparalleled. As any nurse will tell you it is a love/hate relationship.

Let's be real though, the real reason I am returning is to get some DOUGH! Mommy and daddy are worn thin by now, so we are anxious to start earning some money to pay back hospital bills and hopefully get you a headstone soon. But the real DRIVE to earn money is to start raising money for adopting a sister or brother for you. I know you approve!  Heck, I feel like you are pushing me the hardest for this.

Everyone is being so wonderful to help, Claudie! IT IS AMAZING!! Only God could ordain such an outpouring of love!

I want you to know something, hunny: just as I did when I returned after your siblings were born, I will think of you EVERY SECOND of my first shift back! No I won't be wondering if daddy is feeding you on time or if you are sleeping ok, but I will be thinking of you just the same.

See ya soon!
Mommy