Love You Two

In May of 2011 mommy wasn't feeling so hot. She thought she had an infection.

As you can see by daddy's reaction it was way more than an infection:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MJtk_VgxKpM&feature=player_detailpage

A few weeks later mommy got even bigger news, twice as big to be exact!!

I almost fainted when the ultrasound tech said, "I hear two heartbeats...and they are sharing the same sac! THEY ARE IDENTICAL!!!" Wowza!!! Over the moon. I just know you are girls. Although, I won't know for sure for a while yet.

I left the OB office trying to get a hold of everyone to tell them. I knew I couldn't tell daddy over the phone after his reaction to find out about just one of you. So I went as soon as I could to go get my mom from dialysis and tell her.

Here is her reaction:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gn4ni8E3ozY

Priceless huh? Did you hear her say and "Rochelle is having them too??" Grandma is a twin and her twin sister Rochelle's daughter was having twins at the same time. Twins run in our family something fierce!

It was pretty estastic time.

We celebrated Aunt Rochelle's and mom's birthday with a big party at our house on July 21st.

 

I had been bleeding and cramping all day, but thought little of it. I had called the doc and he said to come in on Monday. I was fine with that. You were still ok. Just normal implantation spotting they told me.

Daddy and I were so extremely excited. I can never remember feeling more blessed by God's choosing us for care of adorable identical twins. Here is a posting I placed on facebook:

"God is so good! How am I so blessed to be having twins?!"

I went in for a visit with a high risk doctor a couple weeks later since they thought you might be sharing the same fluid as well as the same sac (there is usually a divider). The perinatalogist said you both had no heartbeat. I thought my heart stopped as well. You were almost 10 weeks old. I couldn't stop looking at the screen; you were holding each other. Are you still holding each other? It brings me peace you have each other.

I kept screaming, "I can't tell my mom! I can't tell my mom. She will be devastated." The doctor said your mom will understand more than anyone. She was right.

I am so happy she got to hold you first.

So today you both would be one years old...and we did have a big party but it was for daddy's and Uncle Drew's 33rd. Told you twins run like crazy in this family. Can you imagine how crazy fun the party would have been if both sets of twins shared a birthday? Mommy has an history of going all out for first birthdays!

Happy big one!

I love you two,
Mommy

P.S. Give your little sis and grandma a hug from me, ok?

Hey Lovey!

Good morning little miss Claude-hopper!

I miss you so much today...but you already know that.

Yesterday was St.Valentine's Day. All in all it was a really good day!!
We started the day by making heart-shaped pancakes with your brother and
sister.

Then we made little personalized Valentines.

(The mess was horrible by the time we were done)

Henry was less than impressed with all the pink this holiday brings...

 

Amelie couldn't get enough of it!

(Pretty impressed she did her name all by herself.)

I made you a little Valentine...

(Sorry, we are not blessed with crafty genes)

Poppy stopped by and brought me treats. He has done this since I was a little girl. It means more than he realizes.

After naps and swimming lessons...

We made heart-shaped pizza.

 

Daddy brought me home the best chocolate in town...

 

...and a gorgeous card filled with handwritten words on that mommy will treasure for always. I will save you from embarrassment by sharing it.

Mr. and Mrs. G offered to watch your brother and sister so we could go out for a bit.
While they were having their little party...

(We found out Mr. Henry likes to cheat at Candy Land)

we were having a little party of our own...

At first mommy felt silly wearing the dress I got to wear at your funeral, but as your cousin Cahlea told me, "all outfits really do is hold memories." So I decided to add another memory to the pretty black and gold dress Aunt Jan and Cahlea purchased for me the night before we buried you. By 9pm I was feeling less like a grieving mommy and more like a hot date.

It was so nice to sit and talk with daddy about how silly your brother and sister are and how much we wish we could watch you grow with them. We love to sit and dream about our future together.

Isn't daddy handsome?

 Currently, we are discussing our plans for this old house. PAINTING is #1. The brown has got to go, right?! We also want to put in a perfect little patio in the back and have a great play area for Henry and Amelie. What do you think they would like more: a sandbox or their own little flower garden? I want them to do a flower garden were we can watch little flowers get bigger in honor of you. Would you like that? Valentine's day is such a nice time to just get away to talk and dream a bit. Mommy and daddy think it is very important to take time to do this no matter how much time or money you have.

Today while Henry was at PreK, your sister and I went to go visit your grave site. I feel bad I have only been there a handful of times lovey. But I know you are not there and honestly I don't like the idea of your shell shivering in the cold. At breakfast I asked what the kids wanted to bring to you. Henry wanted you to have a snack. He thinks you are hungry. He worries about if you are hungry or need a diaper change a lot. He decided an apple would be a perfect treat for you. (We don't need to tell him about the fact you don't have any teeth). Amelie said, "she needs her baby toy mommy" and brought down the little red headed rattle doll she had on her car seat when she was a baby. I decided to bring your less than creative Valentine and off we went to drop Henry at school and then visit you.

I was devastated when I got there and realized the beautiful pink roses daddy and I brought you a few weeks ago had flew away in the wind. Amelie and I decided to zip up our coats and go hunting for them. Your sister ran around finding baby pink roses and singing loudly, "Clean up! Clean up! It is what we have to do! Clean up! Clean up! It's fun for me and you!" I found it less fun and cried miserably as I gathered the now faded and frozen roses that had been so beautiful the day we got them.

(Pleased with herself for gathering all the roses back together)

After we tried to put them nicely back together, I stood there in tears and didn't know how to say goodbye...again. But true to form big sis was a big boss and said, "it's too cold out here! Let's go!!!" And ran to the van.  She is right.  It is too cold out there! Glad you are not there and are instead nestled in grandma's arm and Jesus' embrace.

(A snack from brother, a toy from sister, roses from daddy, and Valentine from mommy. All for you my lovey.) 

Return to Zero

I was so excited to learn of an upcoming movie that will tell the real not just the "reel" story as director Sean Hanish puts it of the aftermath of stillborn loss. I was shocked to read recently in an article from the NYT "Breaking the Silence" that while 2,500 babies die a year from SIDS, 26,000 die annually from stillborn loss. How many of us as moms know to put our newborn to sleep on their backs to prevent SIDS? Yet, there are still so many who don't even know that babies can die in this country so close or during the birthing process. What a huge health disparity. As a nurse, I know knowledge is power in order to prevent future death and injury. But I had no clue that 1 in 160 pregnancies ends loss after 20 weeks. Statistically speaking that means you will be affected by a stillborn loss, more directly put...

 you will know someone or be someone that loses a child.

I personally have a hard time with the word stillborn (see my post "Words/Phrases that Drive Me Nuts"). Although I feel the word takes away from the humanity of the child a bit, I also realize it is an important term we must educate ourselves on and empower ourselves and our healthcare providers against. I have yet to speak to an OB who hasn't had this happen to one of their patients, so why don 't we hear about how to decrease the risk and increase the knowledge?

I feel like it has to do with the age of the child. For some reason, we value life based on how old a person is. Anyone who has had a miscarriage or lost a grandparent has heard these questions:

How far along where you?  I found myself not wanting to answer this question b/c people assumed I couldn't be attached if it was only 10 weeks.

How old was he? Oh my granddad was 82 when he died. I guess since he lived a long wonderful life his loss is less.

It is like death is acceptable at certain stages in life: in utero and old age. This to me points to our lack of respect of life in general. While I understand on some level the acceptance of death for our elderly, I struggle immensely with our acceptance with it in our babies. When I loss the twins at 10 weeks, one of the first things I heard was 1 in 4 babies die in the 1st trimester we just don't know why, natural selection of sorts I guess. OK?!? So it just happens all the time. I guess I will just move on then?! Then when I lost Claudette days before her due date, I was left with little to no information. I thought this must not happen often. I was wrong! There is very little real info out there on the web and textbooks on stillborn loss.

50% of parents who lose their child will not know never know why.
This is too much!

In our case, we found out why and it could have been prevented.
This is unacceptable!

That is why I am thrilled that next year Return to Zero should make it's way to theatres to educate others about the devastation that unfolds when your baby is born sleeping. And as an added bonus for me Minnie Driver, who happens to be one of my favorite actresses of all time, stars in it!

Even in these early stages of loss, Dustin and I feel a deep need to spread the word. While it is very difficult to relive the details of our that dreadful day it was also the day our daughter was born and we love to talk about her! So we beyond excited a movie will come out that will give another reason to share our beautiful Claudette with the world as her name will be in the credits!!!
Click here to see Our Story on the Return to Zero blog