Stuck

I haven't blogged in a while.  A long while. Partially, because I wanted to focus adequate time on my family this holiday season and partially because I didn't want to blog.

I feel like I am doing ok, sometimes even good. And when I feel good I don't feel inspired to write. But today has been rough, therefore you get a blog post. Sorry in advance.

Claudette is now 13 months old. Nothing really significant about that. It is just thirteen months of life mothering the dead, all the while mothering the two very active littles and trying hard to raise funds to mother hopefully another little this year (lofty dream I know).

All this leads me to a feeling of being STUCK.

I feel like I am wavering between the living and the dead, at the same time. Stuck in two worlds.

Before her year mark it was okay, in my mind at least, to still be stuck in active grief. But now that a year without her has come and past, I feel life happening and a newfound joy that had long since been suppressed. This is a good thing. I am actually excited about that future. This is HUGE.

But with that comes a weird kind of mindset wherein I am hovering in between the living and the dead. It came to a head tonight when I took the kids to a grief counselor to have an "intake" done. Basically, see if group therapy or counseling is needed. My husband didn't understand why I would take the kids. Frankly, I don't understand why I took the kids.

Then my momma's gut kicked in: "Amelie hasn't slept one night thru since the anniversary of her sister dying. She constantly asks when we get to take Claudie home. Henry and Amelie play like someone dies in all their imagery play and pose hypothetical questions like what would happen if we died," my gut screams at me. "The deserve all the help you can give them," it adamantly says.

Then my husband and my more rational mind chimes in, "This is normal for their age. Quit bringing their grief to the surface!"

The thing is I just don't want to mess them up you know? I don't want 20 years to go by and them to see their sister's life as something negative. It is hard job mothering the living and the dead, but I guess you learn as you go with any child (living or not) that being a parent evolves and changes with the time and you must make adjustments as you go.

Breathe deep...

Carry on...

And pray that in the end ALL your children will be the best versions of themselves.

Photo cred: Amanda Eaton Photography