Thursday, October 24, 2013

On Losing LIVING Loved Ones

I excepted to be grief struck at the loss of the twins, my mom, and my daughter. I expected there to be many lonely days without them. But I NEVER NEVER expected to lose LIVING friends and even family members with their death.

It shocked me to my core when it first happened. I thought I was just imagining things. Then there were the friends who deleted me from FB. I realized that people don't like to open their FB page every morning and hear from "debbie-downer" as one friend put it before she deleted and blocked me. I realized I put myself and my emotions out there openly and sometimes that will get a backlash. But I guess what I don't completely understand is why the backlash to begin with?

I am the common denominator in all these situations so it has to be something to do with me right? I have a rather bold personality and have not been shy about how I am feeling most days. However, believe it or not I do hold back on a lot of occasions and times that are kept for me and my heart.

I have also heard from people that it has nothing to do with  "my losses" they have always disliked me. I can respect that. There are people in this world I don't get along with either. But I have known these people most of life. Why now the hateful comments and actions behind my back and some to my face? Am I just now noticing it? Am I too emotional to put up with silly stuff and it becomes something bigger?

I really believe it has more to do than with just me however. I have also seen my more shy, grieving friends feel the surprising backlash from their friends after losing their loved ones. Many people have had difficulties with relationship that before this were seamless. I have noticed the same in my own experiences.

Perhaps, why these people are hurting others that are hurting is because they have been there too and it brings up a prickle in their hearts they have long since tried to suppress. A grief that the mere presence of us brings it to the surface and they can't take it so they have to drive us away in the quickest way possible.

I am not sure really. I am just thinking through it all. I do know that as unexpected as losing loved ones to death was, it is much more shocking that I continue to lose loved ones that are living. It is lonely at times. Very lonely.

(I am sure a bunch of you just read this and said, "um, I have been there for her!" And YOU HAVE! I know I have a wonderful support system. But just as losing a baby isn't replaced with having another baby, losing a living loved one isn't replaced by having lots more that are there for you.) 
 


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I agree. I never expected how the loss of my son would translate into the entire loss of all I knew at the time--including dear friends we had walked with through other hard life situations. I'm so, so sorry. It is added grief at a time when that is truly the last thing you need and a crushing weight of the soul. Praying and love to you. Not easy on any level. - Julie