Dear Mom

I was given the task by my therapist of writing a letter to my mom.
I don't think it should be too hard after all I talk to her continually throughout every day.

But for some reason I am having  a hard time when forced to put "pen to paper". But here goes nothing:

Dear Mom,
I have now spent a year without you. Just typing that seems unfathomable. In same ways it was easier than I imagined, in most ways much worse.

Many say I am strong like you. But we know differently don't we? We know we push and shove down what needs to be said and done for ourselves because that is what we think we are supposed to do, so others might get what they need. Be the martyr for others, like we will earn some badge at the end of this race. We are strong in some ways, but when it comes down to it we are weak.
But, I am realizing mom you want more for me as I want more for my daughters.

I am mad at you mom. I feel like you took our Claudie in exchange for dad. I feel like you knew I could handle life without my child, but me and the others couldn't handle life without dad. I am not sure if it as black and white as this, but it is how I feel and even dad has voiced it.

But I know you are right mom. I know some how I will go on and make lemon out of lemonades and all that great junk but right now I am just too sad right now, ya know? I miss you!

I picked up the phone to call you again last night. My heart will not let you go, so often my mind forgets.

But I am realizing that even in your last moments as you told me in ways only we would understand you want more for me. You want me to take care of myself, in ways you could not and would not. I know you want me to be gentler and kinder than I have been. I know you want me to be passionate and happy, yet quite and reserved. I know you want me to love Christ as you did towards the end.
I want all those things too mom, but for now I am just sad.

I miss you. I miss my daughter. I miss my twins. I want so much to believe you are all in heaven having some joyous time awaiting my arrival, but I do not know what this moment is like for you. I feel you in the yellow butterflies and the 11:11 of the clock changes, but that is little and fleeting.

I feel cheated out of so much.

My children have been cheated out of so much.

But I want more them. I want ALL five of them to know their mother took great strides to not only care for others as you did, but for herself as you did not. I know you want this for me mom. Please help me do it! I am lost without out you.