People who are hurting, hurt

There is a dark underbelly of grief most don't talk about fully. Anger.

Anger will grip onto your soul and take hold permanently lest you be careful. Anger will cease your existing life and produce something unrecognizable on the other side.

When I was younger and more naive to the amount of pain in this world, I would often become so unsympathetic to others who lashed out at me in what I felt to be a unmerited way.

Often times my patients will take out their lack of control and pain that afflicts their bodies on me. I didn't get it at first and grew resentful. I would go home from thirteen hours on my feet and wonder why someone would have the audacity to complain about it taking too long to get an orange Popsicle when I am saving their life. Later, I began to understand the only thing that patient could control at the moment was the color and timing of their Popsicle.

I am sorry to say it, I am often the person that lashes out now. It frustrates me that I can't fully get over the family and friends who haven't acknowledged the life or death of our daughter. It frustrates me that I can't stay focused on the positive things and people in my life.

Instead, I often find myself quick to make snap judgements and hateful comments. Truth be told, there is a part of me that wants others to hurt as much as I do. I want others to understand what it feels like to long to hold your child, reach out to call your mom for comfort and and realize she is gone too. Many I am sure are thinking well you have a big family and lots of support, reach out to them. You are right. I should. But the anger inside of me won't allow such rationale thoughts.

Anger is sadness in action, right?

I don't write this to complain out my life or gain further sympathy, but simply to understand the next time someone bites your finger off for what seemingly was a benign act on your part remember people who are hurting, hurt.