Our plans

Our Plan:
The question was posed at our first child's baby shower how many children will you have? I told everyone five (of course). We would probably have three biologically and adopt two. In my mind that is exactly what had Dustin and I wanted so that must be what we would get. It wasn't asking for too much we felt.

Five children later: two in our home, three in God's I guess I should have been more clear. God, I want five children in OUR HOME! So on we went to our NEW PLAN!

Our NEW Plan:
See several specialist. Consult every resource and try to get my T1D in check so I can deliver a healthy baby......months and a few ER visits later. Ya, so that is isn't going to happen.

Our NEW (and IMPROVED) Plan:
Begin our adoption journey earlier than expected. Reasonable right? I mean it would be horribly selfish of us to want more children biologically only to have them or me be physically harmed by my T1D.

This plan is super socially conscious don't you think? Everyone wins. We get another baby and another baby a home.

Plan working marvelously. (thinking to self: it's about time!) Friends and family surround themselves around us and help us with adoption fundraiser after adoption fundraiser. However, about 6 months in it started to become clear if we wanted to adopt within the next year we weren't going to be able to pay the $30,000+ price tag a traditional adoption would cost.

Maybe, local adoptions? Maybe, foster to adopt? We loved the idea before we lost Claudette but now the idea of having a baby in our home only to potentially be taken away again scared us to death.

Whatever the answers were it was becoming clear we would have time to worry about it, heck we couldn't even find time to schedule the pre-homestudy interview.

Well that plan is starting to unravel, just like my brain about now...

God's Plan
Despite our best efforts to the latter, God has decided that we might be having another biological child. YES that is right, I might be pregnant. Don't PASS OUT! I already almost did.

This is definitely not our plan and I am not sure it is even positive yet. But I have realized in the last several days of growing three thousand new grey hairs, that is never was OUR plan, it has always been GOD'S! So let's just sit back and enjoy the ride...ya, ya I know that is NOT going to happen!

...oh and don't worry, I will keep you posted on the results.

UPDATE:
The above was posted last week. We wanted to make sure it the results were accurate and here they are:

To be frank we as disappointed as we are relieved.  Onward and upward and like my smart little Henry told me yesterday, "We are going to have a baby someday, mommy!" 

Hope he is right...HOPE being the key word.

It could always be worse...

...the phase I have told myself over and over again in an attempt to make it through a challenging day or moment. But the phrase never seemed to make me feel better...really it made me feel worse.

I told myself perhaps it was because everything is relative and this is my worse.  

It wasn't until a John Piper bible study this summer when I realized why it offered me no comfort. We talked about God's ultimate gift he gave to us.

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.  John 3:16

I have heard this verse a bizzion times, but never had thought about it in this way. God has to give the ultimate gift: HIS CHILD. He later asked Abraham to do the same. There are so many things God could have done to prove His love and commitment to us, but none would come as close as giving his OWN child. 

I am in no way comparing myself to God or even Abraham, because frankly I think I would have run for the hills had God given me a choice about taking Claudette. It just helped me realize that even God agrees there is really nothing greater than losing a child. 

Yes, I could lose my husband. Yes, I could lose my five year old or three year old. Or heaven forbid my entire family could die after horrible persecution. The point is that even though further, catastrophic devastation can happen, the worst already has.

I truly believe God understands this and it brings me great comfort that I have that in common with my Father. That I can cry to him and he "gets it".  It also has helped me understand the ultimate gift God gave me. 

After losing a child, it now takes my breathe away that God would knowingly give his child for US!

People who are hurting, hurt

There is a dark underbelly of grief most don't talk about fully. Anger.

Anger will grip onto your soul and take hold permanently lest you be careful. Anger will cease your existing life and produce something unrecognizable on the other side.

When I was younger and more naive to the amount of pain in this world, I would often become so unsympathetic to others who lashed out at me in what I felt to be a unmerited way.

Often times my patients will take out their lack of control and pain that afflicts their bodies on me. I didn't get it at first and grew resentful. I would go home from thirteen hours on my feet and wonder why someone would have the audacity to complain about it taking too long to get an orange Popsicle when I am saving their life. Later, I began to understand the only thing that patient could control at the moment was the color and timing of their Popsicle.

I am sorry to say it, I am often the person that lashes out now. It frustrates me that I can't fully get over the family and friends who haven't acknowledged the life or death of our daughter. It frustrates me that I can't stay focused on the positive things and people in my life.

Instead, I often find myself quick to make snap judgements and hateful comments. Truth be told, there is a part of me that wants others to hurt as much as I do. I want others to understand what it feels like to long to hold your child, reach out to call your mom for comfort and and realize she is gone too. Many I am sure are thinking well you have a big family and lots of support, reach out to them. You are right. I should. But the anger inside of me won't allow such rationale thoughts.

Anger is sadness in action, right?

I don't write this to complain out my life or gain further sympathy, but simply to understand the next time someone bites your finger off for what seemingly was a benign act on your part remember people who are hurting, hurt.