Timing is Everything

Today has been 8 months since we buried our daughter. In a way it seems like it happened yesterday. In a way it seems like there was never a time without her.

I realized that timing is everything when you lose your child.

11:30: Time of birth.
11:30: Time of death.

Thursday: the day of the week I delivered her.

29th: the date she was born.
29th: the date she died.

November: the month she was born.
November: the month she died.

November 29,2013: the day after Thanksgiving. BLACK FRIDAY.
What should be the 1st birthday of our daughter, but is instead the 1st anniversary of her death.

As most of you know the Kisses for Claudie Project was started to give 365 kisses to our daughter in the form of random acts of kindness. This was to represent everyday of first year of life that we couldn't kiss her.

Please help us honor Claudette Elyse's life by doing a random act of kindness. We have had 30 random acts that mean so much to us and others. But as you can see we have a long way to go to reach our goal by her first birthday. Thanks so much for helping others in the name of our little girl!

On November 29, 2013 we will be having a huge birthday party in honor of Claudie and giving her gifts to the kids at The Children's Place of Kansas City. If you would like to do your random act of kindness by helping with the party let us know!

For more info about the Kisses for Claudie project: click here

Alive

Dead surrounds me. Death of babies. Death of mom. Death of patients. Death of former self. Death of future. 

But with all this, I am more ALIVE than ever.

You think are you invincible, then you lose something quickly and tragically. This is when you know life is short and fleeting and you are anything but invincible. 

However, the irony lies in that once death touches you, your life awakens and you are more ALIVE than ever before. 

In fact, you are so alive that the bereaved often try to numb the reality of it with food, drugs, alcohol ect. But I got to thinking yesterday that really it is a gift, this LIFE that has been handed to me. Most go through their lives meaningless and numb really. I know I was. I am ALIVE because there is no living in the dark now. There is no half-hearted sentiment that comes from me as it used to.

I have a deep appreciation for the futility of hanging on to earth's empty gifts. I long now for heaven. It has torn away the fear of dying that always held me so close and kept a part of me dead.

July 21, 2012

As I was in the shower after a long shift at the hospital, it hit me what a year ago today looked like.

I ran into Party City to gather a large bouquet of balloons. Yellow for the grandsons and pink for the granddaughters. I asked them to blow one up not quite as big as the others and make it pink.
I pushed the balloons in the back of the mini-van where Dustin and the kids were waiting.

As we approached the cemetery, reality was setting in. This year there would be no large meal followed by an ice-cream cake. This year we wouldn't take pictures of the twins dressed alike even though they didn't plan it.. This year mom wouldn't scream in joy at every once of attention given to her in the form of gifts. This year we didn't celebrate July as her birth "month".

As we pulled up the grave site, mom's friends and family waited next to where her soon-to-be headstone would eventually sit. It had only been 9 weeks since her death. This is not enough time to make a headstone. I now know too many details about timing of funerals and visitations and cemetery etiquette. (Do you know they have regular potlucks at some cemeteries?)

Dustin parked the car. The kids, dressed in yellow,mom's favorite color, jumped out of the car running in joy. Their young minds too innocent to grasp more than that we were going to a mere birthday party.

Dad said a few words. I felt a few words too many and scolded him for it...in front of everyone. I regretted it immediately. How could I ever put down my dad in any manner, especially since mom had told us on her death bed to respect and love him as she had. How could I belittled his words when he has used his tongue and actions for nothing but love and respect of his beloved soul-mate. I was proud of my dad standing there. I am so proud of my dad standing now. I am in awe of his strength and wisdom through what is undoubtedly been the worst year of his life.

Dad finished his words. We prayed. And I told everyone what the balloons represented. One yellow balloon for each grandson and one pink for each granddaughter. Mom's sisters quickly caught on to the fact their was a baby pink balloon. We were having a baby girl. I told them all our name we had chosen:

Claudette

 

Tears filled the eyes of my mom's sweet sisters. Her named would live on. Hope filled our sad souls. But her name didn't live on. 

 

As July 21, 2013 approaches I realize that while "Claudette the name" is set in stone on not one but two graves my they are not dead, but ALIVE. Celebrating perhaps not with food and or earthly family, but mom is HOME and be assured she is CELEBRATING, so tomorrow we shall celebrate too.

 

 

 Claudie, give grandma a big kiss from all of us celebrating below!

 

Happy 64th mom!