Baby Pink Rose

So it has been 10 weeks. Crazy. Life is still a blur. In some ways I feel worse now then last week or the week before. I was told it was because...

...everyone is moving on and we can't.

Last night we went to a support group for families of a stillborn baby. It was horrible and helpful all at the same time. I can't believe how much Dustin spoke. It made me happy he was able to share his emotions. I have to say it is very disturbing that some were many years out and nothing had really changed for them.  All the couples were grieving as if it happened yesterday. I think up until that point Dustin and I felt there was going to be some magical date in which our grief would be less but as one father mentioned the pain never gets better just the way you learn to deal with it. I knew our pain would always be real and palpable. I guess I just didn't realize how much.

So now we how do we move on? Do we even want to?

Part of that question was answered for us in a slight way this week. I thought I was going to be able to quit my job but for significant financial reasons this is not a possibility. It felt like a big kick in my already bruised gut. Quitting work was for two main reasons: to spend time with my children who have really only know pregnant-tired mommy and not crazy fun mommy and to give my diabetes a fighting chance. After a day of crying and hiding in bed I realize it is for the best and as I told my friends,

 "mommy is putting on her big girl panties and moving on."  

But am I really? The short answer is no. I will go back to work and face reality as my husband has been forced to already. I will continue on with the land of the living but truth be told a part of me has died. A part of me went with my mom and Claudie and is hiding in their graves. No it probably isn't healthy, but it is the truth.

As I sit here and write this it I look up and realize the sweetheart rose I took from her grave at her funeral and put in our living room is still sitting untouched, water (although almost evaporated) still in vase.


Baby pink rose 12/6/12

Baby pink rose 2/8/13

I am not one to ever keep flowers after they have died, but this one looks beautiful to me and almost still alive. Yes, it is smaller and will probably fall to pieces if someone picks it up, but I love it. And I guess if people realize that a baby pink rose still hasn't even died from her funeral then...

Claudette Elyse Elliott


 

...it's okay to not move on.

 

 

Babies, Babies, Preggos, Babies and More Babies

So the whole world is either pregnant or just delivered the most delicious little babies. And why is Target having a big baby sale this week? Could they have least had the decency to have it before I spent all that money on diapers and swaddlers.

You know when you are in another state and you all of sudden notice all the MO license plates? You never notice them when you are actually in Missouri. You know why? Because you are one of 1000s of them. You don't stand out. It is when you are in Iowa and see all the IA plates that you realize you are the odd ball out. Sorry for the rough analogy but it is all I got this am. Basically, my point is the whole world seems to be pregnant and having newborns at the exact moment I'm not. When I was pregnant with my first I felt like was the only person in the world to have a baby. It all seemed so special and wonderful. But now I am sitting here with a swollen belly and an empty crib and I feel so lonely.

The other night there was a segment on the news about Kate Middleton and all the excitement surrounding her pregnancy. My husband and I just looked at each other. For some reason it dawned on us that moment no matter what happens in the future, a pregnancy will never hold that same excitement it holds for so many others. It is a hard reality. Pregnancy has always been such a fun part of the journey to baby for us. Yes, my pregnancies were often riddled with complications and trials but they were also filled with joy and anticipation that is unparalleled. Now our new reality is that fear will most likely be greater than is healthy. It seems so lonely at times but then all of sudden you are driving along in IA and you see that MO plate and it reminds you there are others (too many others) and even though we are not in the same car at least we are on the same road.

Breaking the Silence

Such an important video.

Please watch:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pg7fp5-aPzk


Approximately 3 million babies are stillborn each year throughout the world. In the US, that's one baby, one family, every 21 minutes. To learn more, and to contribute your own message of encouragement or understanding, please visit www.facebook.com/healthybirths.


P.S. Thanks for all the scenes with elephants