Empty.

I should probably write something today. Right? Anything. It is after all 365 days since we lost mom. Her "angelversary" (blah, yuck, gag...these are the words the come up after that word).

But I have nothing profound to say. I am empty without her. 

My mom isn't an angel or at least that is not who I remember of her. She was incredible, but she was not supernatural. Far from it. She had flaws, most of which we share.

Don't get me wrong I find great solace in the fact one day we will be re-united in heaven. But, I don't want to remember her as some heavenly being. I want to remember her as my...well as my mom.

...and she was a damn great one.

Motherless Mother's Day

I am getting stomach cramps just thinking about Sunday.

I am not sure which will be harder not having my mom to hold me or my baby to hold this Mother's Day, but I feel their weight equally right now.

It is too hard of a thought for me to bear. So hard in fact that even if I dip my toe into it's reality a bit I jump out of the water because of it's sharp coldness.

But there is no way around it. IT IS MY TRUTH. My mom is dead. My baby is dead. There I said it. It is what it is.

I could go on and on about the wonderful lessons I have been taught over the last year, but truth be told all that keeps flashing through my mind is the phone call from my sister stating the paramedics are taking mom to the closest hospital and we need to come now.

 

The rushed drive with my dad in the passenger seat in a five speed back to Kansas City. Killing the car a few times because I hadn't driven a manual transmission in years and then arriving to realize then and there this was it.

Holding the almost dead cellphone to my mom's ear so she could speak with all of her 8 children as she slipped in and out of consciousness. 

 

I witnessed firsthand how she loved us all equally yet differently.

Hearing her tell me I was a good mom. Telling her the baby growing in my belly was to be named after her.  

 

Smelling alcohol wipes from the ER, when we should have been smelling French bread and brisket.

 

The taste of diet cokes to keep us awake through travel arrangements for the siblings, when we should have been sipping on ice tea in the warm, windy Ottawa spring.

 

The sounds of her monitors beeping when we should have been listening to the latest funny story mom had to share.

 

Seeing my mother's gasp for air before intubation, when instead we should have been seeing her relax and enjoy HER DAY as we pampered her.

 

That was Mother's Day 2012.

 

I am not sure what Mother's Day 2013 holds in store for us.
I hope the anticipation is far worse than the actuality.

 

I miss you so much mom, but there is no rather place I would want my daughter to be this mother's day than with you if not with me.

.