Lazy.

Today, I have done a lot but I feel lazy. Tired. Sleepy.

I went to sleep at 6:45pm last night. Feel asleep around 8pm and slept til 6am this morning. I felt refreshed this am, so I did an enormous amount of errands and catching up.

Then bam this afternoon it hit again. I can barely keep my eyes open. I can barely talk to the vet or answer Henry's question about how to spell Batman. All I can do is stare. I stare a lot. I am not really looking. Just staring. Staring off into the abyss. Hoping, that soon I will hear my alarm clock and it will all be over. It's a dream. No, a nightmare. A nightmare that has lasted too long.

I thought I was beginning to get out of my funk. I thought I was so strong. Coping so well. I spent the last year getting out of bed when I didn't want to, going to work when I rather lay in bed. Talking on the phone when I want to shut it off. Hiding behind the smile of social media. Busying myself with FB awareness pages and adoption fundraisers and anything and everything that would sidetrack me from the realities of the present.

But there is no way around it. Grief has made me lazy. Extremely lazy. I don't want to do ANYTHING not even fun activities. I debated lying about being sick and spending Mother's Day in bed, but I realized it would actually take more work and effort explaining to people why I didn't show up for the day's events. So I begrudgingly went. I sure hope next year is not as hard.

Today, I need a N.A.P. and my kids know it. I am grouchy. I am sad. I am mad. I want my twins. I want my daughter. I want my mom.

Yesterday, was the infant baptism of a sweet, chubby cheeked little girl at church. It came from nowhere and hit. I had to leave the church sobbing. I was so embarrassed that I had let my grief come through, especially at such an inopportune time. A friend noticed I had slipped out and followed me with tissues. She said something so simple, yet so profound, "it is good to cry."

Proportionately, I have cried little. It isn't that I am trying to hold back. It is just that if I open those gates, all will fall apart. And I am TOO LAZY for that to happen.