Dead Babies Everywhere

Sorry about the morbid title.
The sad truth is, it is the truth.

When I lost Claudette a little over two years ago, I remember wondering how I could post it to social media. No one could possibly handle that in their newsfeed. But I knew I had to. I was getting text of people thinking I went into labor and I need one broad statement to inform.

My sister, Audra helped me come up with the words to say. I quickly pushed "send" and jumped into the shower. By the time I got out of the shower messages and words of encouragement were pouring in from people close and some I have never met before. It took my breathe away for months and the years that followed I go back to those words for hope and refuge regularly.

I did not realize was the total number of babies that actually die EVERY. SINGLE. MINUTE in this country.  It blew me away when I quickly learned of friends of friends who had a stillborn or infant loss, people I walked next to every day walking a similar journey.

In the beginning stages it was helpful to reach out to those who had walked a similar path and hear what helped them. I soon became an unwanted veteran of sorts and the was the go to person for others who had lost a child.  Part of me felt this was my calling. I am a vocal person and felt I could do a lot to help give the voiceless a voice, I still feel this way. But as I go past my two years on this journey, 7 plus months pregnant with an extremely high risk pregnancy I don't think I can hear EVERY SINGLE MINUTE of my life about other baby dying. My newsfeed is filled with support groups of those walking the same journey as us. But it's not just social media. If you have lost a child, then you learn of every other child that dies it seems.

True story:
Me: Hey friend! I haven't seen you in a while.
Friend: Oh man, I am glad I ran into you. I just had a neighbor loose their baby last week.

I get it. I can relate. You need tips and suggestions on what to say. You want me to understand I am not alone. I don't want people to stop coming to me with stories of loss, but it just feels like loss is all there is you know?  It's impossible to not offer some insight or encouragement to heartbroken, but it is wearying on me heavily.

Don't get me wrong I want more than anything as my life's goal to decrease the amount of unnecessary deaths of babies, but I can feel myself going numb to the thousands of deaths that surround me. I feel myself cocooning inside myself as a defense mechanism. I do NOT want to become desensitized to each and every of a human being, but it is just a lot you know?

I think I just need some time. I need some positivity that there are living babies everywhere as well and to hang on with all the limited hope I have to muster.