Stress Paralyzed

Anyone watched Moms' Night Out? Didn't think so...

Anyway, it is about a group of friends who are desperate to break free for a night of fun. A term came up in the movie called, "stress paralyzed". If you are a mom or a human being for that matter, I don't think I need to describe it.

I have taken on this paralysis to a whole new level. I am fully embodying this catatonic state. It started months ago (maybe years) but it went to a whole other level the week before Mother's Day. See previous post...see I couldn't even make it past Wednesday.

Uhhhh.

That was the start. Then a series of some stupid and some significant events took me in a downward spiral despite trying to see the rainbows and lollipops.
Three traffic tickets, a few rocky relationships, a job on the rocks, and a shattered dream later here I am.

Nope. I am not curled up in a ball in bed (any more). I am a fully-dressed, functioning member of society. For that I am proud.

But truth be told I have shut down to a new degree. It is a defense-mechanism of sorts, perhaps. I have shared and been vulnerable and honest to the core with my journey. In the beginning I wanted to be an open book because I felt my loud mouth would help others who were the quieter and kinder version of me. As time went on, I needed to be an open book. It was my release so I wouldn't be paralyzed in the pain. Well, after the above mentioned happenings and many details that are inappropriate to share (yes, I have a filter) I felt like I might have hit four extremity paraplegia. No writing. No talking. Just going through the motions.

This is the full reason for this post! I can't sit still and let life happen to me anymore.  SO.....

Yesterday, I chose happiness! I woke up and did three hours of "summer school" with the kids. It was so fun. The kids even loved it.

When my husband called to say he would have to cancel our adoption meeting later that afternoon (second
meeting a row he has missed), I chose to too make lemonade out of lemons.
"Let's go to the pool, kids!"

When we went out the door to leave and Amelie fell and screamed bloody murder for 1 hour, I decided rather than recoiling to nap time for the house, I would instead plead the case for the benefits of chlorine water on boo-boos.

After we drove 20 minutes in a car without air-conditioning telling the kids all the way about the best kiddy pool in Missouri only to drive up to a closed Super Splash, I did NOT refused to give up and drove another 45 minutes the opposite direction to the best kiddy pool in Kansas...chanting I can do this, I can do this, the whole way.

Once we finally got to a pool, we enjoyed 3 1/2 hours of playing together in the sun! It was amazing. I found myself smiling more than I had in weeks. It was genuine. No one was watching me. I had no reason for false sentiments. I was happy. So happy that time jumped passed us and I was ecstatic when daddy called and said he could meet us for a post swim pizza.

See it's working! If you just be happy, life is better! I started to feed my brain. My body quickly rejected that notion.

By the time I walked the pruned kiddos to the car, I was starting to get extreme lower back pain. By the time we made it to the restaurant it had radiated to my lower abdomen. A kidney stone? I was starting to see double by the time I made it home. I told Dustin I thought I might have sun poisoning and told him I was getting a shower, would he bring my monitor to me. After checking and re-checking it was confirmed by blood sugar was in the extremely critical high range, over 600. I was so sick by now it was act fast or end up in the ER. Luckily, Dustin should have his Certified Diabetes Education degree and knows how to handle situations like this well. Several, hours later and my blood sugar in a more stable 250 range and still coming down, I was an emotional basket-case.

Just ONE day, I stammered out. Just ONE day having a good day! Is that too much to ask? Diabetes has ROBBED me!! It took parts of childhood, it took relationships, it took my child, and now it is robbing me of my life. I can't do this anymore! I won't!!

As I screamed those words, I had an epiphany. I had blamed so much on me, on others, on circumstances, when the blame should have been directed to what was sitting right in front of me all along in the form of an insulin bottle.

Diabetes is to blame. Fact is I want to ignore it's presence. It's devastation. It's hold on my every breathing moment and it's incredible hold on others in my life the last twenty four years. Maybe, I am over-reacting. It is just another autoimmune disease, right? Millions have them. It may kill me one day but I am living now right? NO! The answer is no I am not living now, because it has already robbed me.

But the destruction is over, Mr. Diabetes! I refuse to let your power over me take one more day. As I sat in bed last night I made a commitment to change. To do different. To do better. No it may not make a difference physically. After all, the best control I have ever had resulted in the death of my daughter. But I will no longer take that guilt on! Instead, I will redirect it to this mal-functioning pancreas and the havoc it has raged on me.

This morning I got up and drank my isotonic tea. I jumped in the car with my chocolate Isolean shake. I have no grand illusions of a new person emerging from the other side when I done with my 30 day cleanse, but I already have a new mindset...and really for now that is all I need!