There is no title

I can't type a title for what I am about to update this blog with.

There is no easy way to say this or trite statement to sum up what has happened since I last wrote a blog post.

For those of you who are new to this page I will update a brief synopsis of the tragedies in which are now my reality.

In August 2011 we miscarried identical twins.
In May 2012 we lost my mom Claudette to a rare autoimmune disease.
In November 2012 we lost our daughter Claudette to an enlarged heart. Turns out Claudette means "dies young". Irony at its worse I suppose.
In June of last year we lost Dustin's brother, George Travis.

6 weeks ago Sunday...two days after we celebrated the 4th birthday of our youngest child, we lost "we". Dustin my husband of 12 years and my first love since we were teenagers died by falling 60 feet from a bridge in which he played a huge part in creating as a traffic engineer. He had just turned 39 years old.

I don't have much more to say than just that. I am sure you have lots of questions. I have lots of questions. The coroner and the detective assigned are trying to put together pieces of what happened and we hope to have an official cause of death soon but it will likely read "undetermined". There are just pieces of a puzzle we will never fully know. I don't how to process it or how to help our three small children process it, who have all already gone through more than any child ever should. We are still in shock and are grateful for that shock because in the moments the swelling lessons, which are coming more and more frequent, it literally takes our breathe away with its raw reality.

Dustin was a rock to everyone who knew him. To not have him on this already very difficult journey on earth with me feels like hell.  I hold on the to fact that he is in heaven and we will be reunited one day. Until then I will try to give my children the best version of a childhood they can have.

We appreciate all of those who have helped us thus far in too many ways to count. While I simply couldn't thank every person who has done something for us to hold us up physically, emotionally, spiritually and financially each act has meant more than words could express.  Please continue to do so because we will need you all in so many ways for the rest of our lives.

If you feel led to help us keep our insurance in the form of Cobra or could share our story so other's might that would mean so much to us! You can do so by clicking here: Help a Grieving Family Keep Their Health Insurance .
But really the most important thing you can do for us is PRAY. Pray for peace for the kids and myself. Pray for sleep especially for the kids. Pray for understanding and acceptance for all of us affected by the tragic death of a man whom I never dreamed living a day of the rest of my life without.

Preaching to the Choir

It is natural to like to be surrounded by those who have the same views as you, look the same as you, and reinforce your beliefs. Heck, no one wants to be constantly antagonized for a differing opinion. When other's opinions differ from our own, we have a choices: to ignore the opinion and move on, to fight back with our own opinion or to try to engage in active listening.

I know for a fact I am awful at the latter.

I like to preach to the choir. I like to get likes on my  wise and relevant FB posts. I like to hear back from my other 30 something year old Christian Caucasian women friends that I am speaking truth. It makes me feel safe. Like I am not alone. 

When I hear a voice of dissent from what I believe I sometimes tune them out by hiding them from my news feed, maybe even defriending or blocking them. 

Think about that for a second....

What a strange little world we live in now were we actually have words like "defriend".

But what if I started to ask and actually wanted to HEAR the words from others different from ourselves, rather than just preparing my super wise response back that is sure to get them to humble themselves and follow me...Oh wait! I am supposed to humble MYSELF and FOLLOW HIM, not get others to humble themselves and follow me on FB, instagram, pinterest, twitter??!  

Dan Rather said something that I think is so powerful. I am summarizing but essentially a YUGE (in the words of our president) crowd gathered to see Trump win. A HUGE crowd also gathered to protest Trump. Instead of comparing whose crowd was bigger, realize that there are millions of us who CARE and are all trying to be heard. 

In other words: LISTEN!

Let's build off this passion to achieve our goals. As far as I can tell most times when I actually LISTEN to others I hear them say essentially the same things I am saying. 

Of course there is always those who are driven by fear and hate and nothing is going to change that except the grace of God but our job is to be the best version of ourselves and cleaning out my FB friend list until I only see statuses that another white, 30 something year old, Christian woman would write does nothing to make me a better version of myself it is just further preaching to the choir and I need to hear some different voices to be the best version of me. 

So, I get it sometimes you need a break.
You need to hide someone from your feed.
You need to leave social media for a time or forever but PLEASE stop shutting out those voices completely out of your life that make you uncomfortable or uneasy.  
The voices that make our stomachs turn are often the same voices that help our minds open and our hearts widen. 

Eye of the Storm

I recently took a job as a school nurse at my kid's elementary school. One of my job duties is to ensure everyone is safe in a tornado. We had a drill recently and I couldn't help be left with the huge responsibility I have to ensure the safety of not only my own child but 100s of other little beings.
Since that drill I continue to have a nightmare wherein I can see a tornado coming from a mile or so away from the front door of the school.
I go running back inside and scream, "tornado, tornado!! Everyone run downstairs!" Then I wake up with guilt of thinking that is exactly what not to do when trying to keep kids safe in the eye of a storm. If you live in the Midwest you know it's not a matter of IF but WHEN you or those close to you will be affected by a tornado.

When I have this nightmare the following emotions happen:
Fear.
Lack of control.
Anxiety.
Sadness.
Worry.

I realized something today. These emotions are not going away when I wake up.
The political climate has brewed a perfect storm for a tornado and I feel like I watching it in the near distance. Right now it is affecting my neighbors. I see them wrapped unwilling in its damaging winds. I see debris being spit out toward others and I see it headed straight for me. For my child. For the children I vow to protect. For all of us.

In my dream I keep choosing to scream and run for sure that the tornado will hit us all and there is nothing we can do. But in reality there is time. I have a choice. No matter what happens with this tornado I have choices:
A. I can act like the tornado isn't there and continue to go on my life as normal.
B. I can run back inside screaming and create further chaos in hopes that it will make everyone so fearful they will run and hide quickly too.
C. I can do what has been proven to be the safest in tornados: plan ahead, have a plan that works the best for the situation and calmly guide others to safety and then use yourself as a blanket over the last few coming to safety so the least impact of the storm can hit them.

I know this seems melodramatic folks, but we are in a tornado America and it's affecting the world. We all should feel the not so settle breeze and hear the train in the distance by now. If you choose to ignore this then you are letter A and well maybe you be the miraculous person who survives but the rest of your world will be crushed around you so there simply isn't a way you will not be affected.
From what I can tell most of us letter B. It's a natural reaction but it doesn't work and has been found to cause further damage.
What I am striving to be is letter C. I want to be armed with facts and knowledge which will help subside fear and the bitterness that is sure to follow that fear. I want to be a soldier of Christ ready to fight in His army.  I want my anxiety to turn into action. When I feel my stomach turning for the things I can't control, I want Christ's love to shine through me so much that it can't help but pour out onto those who I may not know or understand because I know and understand this: we are ALL made in the image of God.

So I didn't tell you the end of my dream. The tornado doesn't hit our school. It ends up hitting a school up the street. I end losing my job because I used my energy creating more chaos than solutions. If I would have taken two minutes to read the weather reports I would have realized the tornado was headed east and we could have taken those students, our neighbors, that were in its direct path into our school and saved all their lives. Yes, I know this makes no sense in real life, but it's a dream people and perhaps dreams are the Holy Spirit's ways of speaking to our soul.