Clarifications

I have come to understand for many, including myself ignorance is bliss. But it is also something very much else hurtful. So I feel clarifications need to be made.

Clarification #1:
I have said this so many times but I guess it bears repeating Dustin and I did NOT pursue adoption because of infertility. Of course there are millions with inferitility that do pursue it for that reason. But being a part of adoption groups, one the most hurtful things a mommy can hear who can't carry a child to term is, "just stop trying and it will happen."

So you can imagine how many comments I get DAILY from people saying, "isn't that how it always happens, you were about to adopt and BAM pregnant. See you just needed to relax." While yes this is true, it is NOT because we were about to adopt we became became pregnant. We felt it was very unsafe for me to concieve more children and were trying to prevent pregnancy. Seeing the cause of death as your diabetes on your child's autopsy will change your conception patterns quickly. I hate that in some way I continuing the stupid stigma that if infertile couples just "relax" a baby will come. I also hate that I am continuing the stigma that pregnancy is the goal and adoption is the alternative. We WANTED to adopt whether we had biological children or not and still see adopted children in our future.

The fact is I am VERY fertile and this little guy is destined to be born into our family as the gift he is from God. That may mean he goes straight to heaven like three of his siblings but regardless God let me be his mommy, Dustin be his daddy, and Henry, Amelie and Claudie be his brother and sisters. So for that we are extremely grateful.

Clarification #2:
As most of you might know I spent the better part of the holiday break in the hospital on two seperate occasions. Most of you probably assume because I have had a loss that the baby is at risk right now for dying. But the fact is this baby is as the same amount of risk of dying at this point in the pregnancy than any baby. We are exposed to the same risk factors as a healthy baby, no more. The risk factors for this baby lie with MY health. And frankly the risk factors at this point are for me. I don't mean to diminish my child's well being over my own, but I felt some clarification needed to be made as most assume I need to spend every waking second in the hospital to have a healthy baby. This is not the case, at least at this point. And in fact, the opposite would be better for baby and my well-being.

To help you understand, Type 1 diabetes affects pregnancy at pretty much every turn. Heard of gestational diabetes? Yep, the placenta likes to make you so resistant to insulin even the healthiest of mommies can get diabetes in pregnancy. Well, I have diabetes for 27 years this week. I have had five pregnancies and  this will be my sixth baby. Each baby causes the body to become more resistant to the insulin you are giving yourself via injection or in my case through an insulin pump. This has kicked me into a type 2 diabetes in addition to a type 1, so I have to take pills to make my body recgonize the insulin I am giving myself through the pump. Well it is easy for many to say (especially doctors) that it is a simple as what you eat, it just isn't.

People often ask me what effects my blood sugar. The answer: EVERYTHING. One of the reason I switched to another high risk OB group is because of how they treat diabetics during pregnancy.  It would never be conducive to every day life, but for these nine months they expect me to eat the same thing at the same time every day. This produces little room for variability, because we know life especially with jobs and small child has enough variablility. Ok, so put me in the hospital right? That would provide the same thing everyday. Well yes this works to some degree, but perhaps the BIGGEST affect on blood sugars is stress and for anyone who has spent anytime in the hospital, you know, you will be stressed.

There will most likely come a time wherein I just can't do it at home and will need to be taken in. But the baby is at no real risk at this point. I am. Why you ask? Well, because my blood sugars have to be extremely close to critically low levels to achieve the goals of a healthy baby that won't be affected by my sugars. So that is why I have spent so much time for close monitoring in the a hospital setting. We have set up safety parameters to make sure I don't pass out at home, and I wasn't allowed to leave until the risk was low enough. Acheiving this tight control should prevent the amount of glucose the baby is exposed to. Both Henry and Amelie needed IV glucose shortly after birth because they were exposed to so much of my glucose it was hard them to compensate after delivery. Claudie's heart enlarged because those glucose levels essentially put her into congestive heart failure and that was despite the best control  I had in all the pregnancies.

Clarification #3:
Why in the heck are you pregnant again if I am so high risk. Good question. I ask myself it way too much and have horrible guilt. But the fact is the guilt will contribute to stress which, as you now know, will only make this baby more at risk. And as my diabetes doctor told me, "this baby is a gift and will be treated as such. End of story."

I would also like to say a HUGE thank you for those who reach out to me via FB, texts, and visits. Those who offer to help with kids or other tangible ways. I am VERY aware of the taxing behavior I have placed on each and every person in my life through this pregnancy and feel so blessed beyond measure to have you all in our lives. We simply could NOT do it without you.

Two Years

Dear Claudette Elyse,
Saturday the 29th will mark two official years since we held you.
In that time frame a lifetime has changed for your mommy.  You may have noticed I haven't blogged in a long time. I thought the unexpected arrival making you a big sister would bring so many words and thoughts to my mind, but really it has confused me and made me numb most days.

With each passing day without you I feel a bit more lost. I am hoping one day I will wake up and make sense of all this reality, but until then I just am trying to be the best version of mommy I can be. That probably comes off like a feeble attempt to most people, but you and I know I am doing my best.

Last year you inspired over 700 random acts of kindness. Local media was so inspired they wrote of your impact. It was awe-inspiring.

This year mommy planned on spending time with you on your birthday at the place  I feel closest to you, the ocean. Life gave us another big curve ball and grandma got very sick and we couldn't go. But we are very thankful your brother and sister have another Thanksgiving with their beloved grandma, so we count that as a win.

So we decided we would go to Boise and spend your birthday with Auntie Aryn and Auntie Audra and family. Nope, our 28 year old furnace had other ideas for that too.

So here we are two days before your birthday without plans (you know mommy likes to have her plans). Heck, your headstone hasn't even been decorated. In all truth, I don't really like visiting you out there and haven't been since spring. But you know that.

So with Thanksgiving, Black Friday and then D-day ahead of us how do we memorialize you this year love?
Well, I think the big reason God kept changing our plans is because his was better...always is right?

A little over a three months ago, the earth lost an incredible little man named Mattie that likes using his little body to change the world like you. He was adopted at birth into an incredible family, I MEAN INCREDIBLE! You know the kind that has 3 crazy, cool biological kids then decides to adopt 4 crazy, cool adopted kids most with special needs because that's just who they are. They gave a voice to the non-verbal little guy and he changed the world with his short visit here (sound familiar?). I fell in love with him via FB post and Instagram pics. I wept when he coded multiple times and everyone thought his life was over then. I grinned despite myself when he went on to live and laugh and love on this earth for close to another year.

This was a picture taken at his birthday party: 

Yep, his family likes awesome parties too! 

So I got to thinking since you and me Claudie like to help change the world one person at a time how we could help this incredible family. See the Loux family is self-employed you know doing things like helping bring home orphans to loving families and empowering people who feels powerless by giving them health and vitality through their wellness program. It's pretty cool to watch. I met Mattie's mommy because she was going to help us bring home our baby...and she is just not in the way we thought. 

So Mattie needs a headstone! You know yours was paid for by an incredible organization. But their funds are low and they were only able to help pay for a little of what was needed for Mattie's. I know I have friends that are EXTREMELY GIVING! 

So in honor of you sweet one and your new heavenly buddy, Mattie I am asking all my friends to give just a few dollars to help this sweet family have a headstone for their son by Christmas. I did the math and even if all my friends gave two dollars we would have a headstone for Mattie!!

Think we can do it sweetheart? Ya, me too!

Love you more than words and happy 2 years old in heaven,

Mommy 

CLICK HERE TO HELP THE LOUX FAMILY AND CLAUDIE AND MATTIE CHANGE THE WORLD

October 15, 2014

Today is the National Day of Remembrance for Pregnancy and Infant Loss. In the late 80s Reagan made this a national holiday that now gets international recognition...well kinda.
I feel blessed to live in a time that now gives some recognition to the millions and millions of babies we have lost. To think what my mother in law and others not so long ago had to go through and silently grieve the loss of their children is so sad to me.
But the fact remains we really have done little to change the overall hushed culture of pregnancy and infant loss in this country.  One in four women suffer in silence daily with the pain of miscarriage as if it is something unimportant or embarrassing to speak about it openly.
We discuss stillborn loss as something that "just happens" to some of us and although awful there is nothing really that can make a difference even though we know that over 88% of cases could have been prevented.
And although we have some studies showing what may or may not cause SIDs, we really know little more than we did 20 years ago.
Why?
Why do we spend billions researching diseases that kill  fifty or less adults a year, but we still have barely put a penny into the whats and hows of something that kills one in four babies?
I think that answer is very complicated and yet very simple.
We as a nation don't care about the least of these. Yes, I said it and yes I know the backlash I will get for it. But how can a nation that kills just as many unwanted babies care about the wanted ones?
So us mommies through grassroots efforts refuse to suffer in silence anymore. More and more of us are shouting from the mountain top, "my child mattered!"
Social media, the Return to Zero movie, and many small groups, that are finally working as one large group, has helped the world understand our babies matter no matter how many breathes they took in this world.
Please help us save our babies and make sure EVERY one of there lives matter by speaking about the ones we have lost with confidence and love in our hearts.

THEY MATTER...Every single one!