But for your 4th birthday, I thought I would update you on the world in which you escaped.
It's a scary world little girl. I am thankful for your safe heavenly cradle, but I still selfishly ache for my empty arms.
Your little brother is now 19 months. He is a bucket of energy and keeps us on our toes. As soon as he was born I felt complete as a birth mommy and decided I was content with a closed for business sign on my womb. But we still long to foster and/or adopt one day. We would like to start that process more formally after Teddy turns two.
Your big brother is now 8. He is amazing and challenges me daily to be more patient and understanding. He struggles a lot with fears and obstacles that most of us take for granted. I still long for him to learn a ride a bike. I have to admit it embarrasses me he can't. But then I realize it doesn't embarrass him. He is confident in who he is and often tells people "I have Asperger's syndrome, so I am overwhelmed by this situation." Hiss vulnerability and insight is inspiring. I'm so proud of him.
You could say if Henry is my pride, then Amelie is my joy. Her 7 year old personality is infectious and fun. She lives in a dream world I wish I could escape with her to. She is also insanely creative and feels every thing around her as if it is happening to her personally. That sensitivity has caused some anxiety and she longs for you more than I can express. Because of this she has become obsessed with the animal we decorated your room with, elephants. She surrounds herself with them and every time she sees one on a picture or in real life she screams, "CLAUDIE!" as if it's the first time she has saw you.
Oh sweet little girl, how I miss you. They say time heals all wounds but this wound will never heal. It scabbed for a while and would often rip open and bleed in the first couple years. By year 3 it turned more into a bruise.While I still feel bruised at times especially when my wound bumps up against the insensitivity of others, the memory of you is mainly a scar now. A scar that is a constant reminder of the little girl who fits so perfectly in our hearts but will never live in our home.
I would rather be running around doing errands for your birthday, but I will settle for more Kisses for
Claudie in your honor this year and hope you will continue to inspire others as you have me to be a better version of myself and perform random acts of kindness in your honor.
Love always and forever.
See ya soon,
Mommy
