Just Show UP

A few weeks ago on a daily conversation to my sister  she informed of this new plan she had to just show up for things. Like you know everyone of her three kids thirty birthday parties a year they are invited to, all the extracurricular things at her church, school and social calender while working full time AND going to school for her MBA.

I promptly told her she was crazy.

See my husband and I decided exactly the opposite after Claudie died. We were over-committed. We decided both directly and indirectly to hide from the cruel world within the comfort of our home with Netflix and take out.

But then on another call to my sister a few days later she told me an incredible story. That weekend they were incredibly busy and made a point to take their daughter to her kindergartener classmate's bday party. It was the beginning of September and they didn't even know this little girl yet. But they made every effort to go Saturday, only to find out it was the following day. Tempted to give up, my sister decided to follow through on her goal of showing up and went Sunday. Upon arriving to the park, my sister wanted to turn the car around. No other kids were there. It was mainly what appeared to be aunts and uncles and grandparents. The little girl and others were so excited about my niece's presence that there was no turning back however. My sister quickly noticed there was a solemn overtone to the event. Then the birthday girl announced I wished my daddy was here.  The grandma seeing my sister was confused said her son, the birthday girl's daddy, had been killed in a car wreck over the summer. This was there first celebration since. My sister showed up. In turn her daughter showed up. In turn it could become about a little girl turning 6 a little bit more and the sting of a missing daddy a little bit less.

Then a few days later on a rare alone time on my bike and ear buds, I heard the lyrics to this Rachel Platten song:
She dreams of where she's never been
Her story starts where it should end
And she keeps a bible close 
And folds the pages down she needs the most
The faded walls are closing in
So in her head she leaves again
And they've painted ceilings blue and green
And brilliant colors she's never seen

And nothing ever happens if you stay in your room
Nothing ever happens if you leave the party too soon
You'll never be a winner if you're not in the game
Nothing ever happens if you always play it safe
Make a little space and get out of your own way

A ticket out sits on her shelf
But gathers dust upon itself
Cause chasing chance is for the brave
Maybe soon she'll feel that way

But nothing ever happens if you stay in your room
Nothing ever happens if you leave the party too soon
Nothing ever happens if you don't get hurt
Nothing ever happens if you never get dirty
Make a little space and go on, get out
Go on, get out 

Leave what you don't need
You're free and the pieces will fall into place
You and you only
Who can make a little space and... and get out of your own way

She sees the sunlight through the cracks
It's only her who holds her back and... 
And so she takes her deepest breath
Shuts the door and walks down the steps

And nothing ever happens if you stay in your room
Nothing ever happens if you leave the party too soon 
Nothing ever happens if you're not in the game
And nothing ever happens if you always play it safe
Make a little space and get out of your own... 

Oh, get out of your own way
Get out of your own 
Oh, get out of your own way
Get out of your own way


OK! OK!
I get it. Show up! 
...but seriously was that song written about me? Is Rachel Platten stalking me?

So tonight I knew I had to show up to this Story Teller's Event from women who had learned to trust God despite pain and loss at a local church...period pimple and all (you know, you know what I am talking about).

It was so incredible to see women speaking words of vulnerability and ugliness and watching into turn into beauty and light. 

One comment (or at least what I got from the comment) stuck with me from a women whom had struggled with infertility for years, often we pray for God to bring us THROUGH the time of suffering, when really IN the time of suffering is God's gift to us. 

So thanks sis and sistas' in Christ for the lesson. 

Slow Leak

It started over 3 years ago at the precise second my mom drew her last breathe.
You could even hear me make a loud exhale.
The leak popped.
I knew in that moment life would never be the same.

A big nail was lodged right in the middle and unless I patched it quickly I would soon have a flat. At first I/we tried everything to patch it up and make the best out of a horrible situation.
Special gatherings in mom's honor. Tense, but healing.

But it is always there. You can hear it in the background. The settle buzz of air leaking at every turn. The big turns create even a louder buzz of leaking air.
Christmas.
Fourth of July.
Birthdays.
Fights.
I worry that one day I will wake up with a flat beyond repair.

The fact is there is a hole that can only be fixed by a mom-shaped patch. It's insidious leak effects every aspect of life. Teddy's giggles aren't the same without mom's giggles in response. The days I long to hold my Claudie is harder without mom there to understand. There is nothing that can change that.

Nothing.

This is my new normal.

No it is not all depressing and horrible, but now every joyous moment brings a tinge of sadness. Every hard moment makes me long for mom's wise counsel.

Although hard to swallow, this is not a bad thing. This is LOVE and evidence that I had it unconditionally in my life for 31 years by a human being who cannot be replaced. What a great gift.

A Gift From God

Everyone likes a happy ending.

A distinct start and a distinct stop to a story.

This is why we love movies and get so upset when the artsy/fartsy ones leave us hanging without a clear ending or an unhappy one.

I haven't blogged in a while. A long while. It's been hard for me. Not because I don't have anything to say. I just felt pressure to write a final chapter of some sort. My mind and heart were so confused on what to say and how to say it.

But I am ready to try. Tomorrow marks a month since Theodore Lee Elliott came into our lives. He came out screaming and I couldn't stop laughing hearing his screams. See I had prayed and asked many others to pray we would hear a cry upon his arrival. It was the hardest thing for us not hearing Claudie's cries and I just needed to hear his as soon as he arrived. Well,  I think I prayed too hard or asked to many people to pray because his cries turned to screams and he didn't stop. I kept giggling uncontrollably through the tears even when his cries stopped and contentment set in the moment he came close to my face and I could smell him and take in his incredible beauty.

We named him Theodore because it meant gift from God.  (Get it now? As in Teddy...as in Teddy Bear, hence Baby Bear. See I told you I already told you all his name.)

It was a magical day. The day started off stormy and i noted the clouds parting from the large window in my labor room right as I was being wheeled off to my c-section.

I remember thinking if there is a rainbow in the sky I am going to totally eat my words. For those who don't know there is a term called rainbow baby. It is for a child that is born after the loss of the previous baby. I have been vocal about my distaste for the term because first off not everyone gets their rainbow. Secondly, I feel it makes children interchangeable. As if one baby heartbeat negates the one that didn't.

The statement that goes along with rainbow baby is:

After every storm there is a rainbow.
The rainbow does not negate the storm, but is a promise of God's blessing to us.
 (this is one definition, there are variations)

But this statement simply isn't accurate. First off, Claudie was our rainbow and she died. Also, there are tons of people who simply will not have another child after their loss. Secondly, it is taken scripture a bit out of context. A rainbow is God's promise but he never says if I take a child, I will replace it.

I still feel this way but I have to say as the months went on with my pregnancy with Theodore I started to understand the rainbow term a bit more. The pain and suffering of our loss was being replaced with the promise of a newborn and a future with another child. The immediate moments after Theodore was born I felt like an idiot for ever thinking rainbow was a bad term. I was elated. I felt peace that had been missing since our first miscarriage in 2011.  I held him in our arms and I thought this is it! It was all worth it for this.
I began to believe it for the next few days. Theodore filled a void in our world. Big brother Henry and big sis Amelie were happier than I have ever seen them. Friends and family rejoiced in a way I didn't realize how deeply they had been affected by our losses.

Then as the days went on, something felt wrong. It hit softly at first. I would sob quietly as I fed my newborn in my arms in the overnight hours. I attributed it to hormone shifts. Then Mother's Day came and it hit me, HARD.  It was NOT all worth it. Teddy's life wasn't worth Claudie's life. They are two distinct human beings. Two separate souls. I felt guilty. Guilty for trying to replace our daughter. Guilty for not being able to give others our happy ever after they all wanted so deeply for us. I want so badly to have the happy ending, the final chapter to a long, pain-ridden story. This is not the way life actually happens though. Life is not a straight path with some ups and downs in between.

My mom knew she would die for one week before she passed. She knew this reality on Mother's Day three years ago and she had until Thursday evening to say things most of us will never get the chance to. Something that has struck me about that time with her is there was no final grand statement to summarize her life. Sure there were lots of profound statements to each of us and tons of intimate moments but no dramatic quote at the end of her book. Instead her last remarks were about the life that was to come.

I see it! The light. Do you see it? I am ready- my mom said faintly in her last few breathes.

It seemed to us as earth-dwellers that her book was on its last page, but as a Christian she realized her life was not ending but she was transitioning into something everlasting and beautiful.

I guess what I am trying to say is while Theodore is an incredible answer to prayer, he isn't an answer to our daughter's death. I wouldn't want that incredible burden for my a child to carry anyhow. He is another chapter in a book, another chapter in a beautiful, rollercoastered, loopied-looped, upside down, backwards, sideways book that will last forever and will reach its perfection only after we die--THIS is ever-lasting promise is that God gives in the form a rainbow!