Motherless Mother's Day

I am getting stomach cramps just thinking about Sunday.

I am not sure which will be harder not having my mom to hold me or my baby to hold this Mother's Day, but I feel their weight equally right now.

It is too hard of a thought for me to bear. So hard in fact that even if I dip my toe into it's reality a bit I jump out of the water because of it's sharp coldness.

But there is no way around it. IT IS MY TRUTH. My mom is dead. My baby is dead. There I said it. It is what it is.

I could go on and on about the wonderful lessons I have been taught over the last year, but truth be told all that keeps flashing through my mind is the phone call from my sister stating the paramedics are taking mom to the closest hospital and we need to come now.

 

The rushed drive with my dad in the passenger seat in a five speed back to Kansas City. Killing the car a few times because I hadn't driven a manual transmission in years and then arriving to realize then and there this was it.

Holding the almost dead cellphone to my mom's ear so she could speak with all of her 8 children as she slipped in and out of consciousness. 

 

I witnessed firsthand how she loved us all equally yet differently.

Hearing her tell me I was a good mom. Telling her the baby growing in my belly was to be named after her.  

 

Smelling alcohol wipes from the ER, when we should have been smelling French bread and brisket.

 

The taste of diet cokes to keep us awake through travel arrangements for the siblings, when we should have been sipping on ice tea in the warm, windy Ottawa spring.

 

The sounds of her monitors beeping when we should have been listening to the latest funny story mom had to share.

 

Seeing my mother's gasp for air before intubation, when instead we should have been seeing her relax and enjoy HER DAY as we pampered her.

 

That was Mother's Day 2012.

 

I am not sure what Mother's Day 2013 holds in store for us.
I hope the anticipation is far worse than the actuality.

 

I miss you so much mom, but there is no rather place I would want my daughter to be this mother's day than with you if not with me.

.  

Still Standing

Five months later and I am STILL STANDING ... at least today.

Today, I am preparing for an interview on loss and love in the food section of the Kansas City Star. Say It Out Loud right?  So today I am strong, but some days I would rather not stand.

Some days I would rather lay in bed all day.
Some days I would rather sit on the couch and loose myself in reality TV.

But today, five months to the day that I buried my daughter, I am still standing.

Yesterday not only was I standing, but I was RUNNING (kinda) in a 5K to honor our daughter called the Angel Day run. It was nothing of what I thought it would be since we got a snow storm and rain fall for days before. Instead it was more like the Warrior Dash through inches of mud and standing water and freezing temps. But then again life is never what I expect these days.

 

I never thought I would be running in an Angel Day run for my angel daughter.

I never thought the month of May would be a constant reminder of my mother's death.

I never thought Mother's Day itself who become a hurtful reminder of the three children that have preceded me in death.

I never thought I would have to be begging, borrowing, and stealing in order to fulfill our dream of having a big family via adoption.

But this is MY life now...and I am thankful that because of God's mercy I am STILL STANDING!

 

Lost mommy. Found puppy.

So I am going to do what I always do when I get emotional...blog. AND boy do I have something fun to blog about.

Her name is Miss Hattie Hope

(AKA Pickles if you ask Henry).

Dustin came up with the name, even though at first he wanted to call her an abbreviated version of her breed (Shitzu) and I decided to make her middle name Hope, since that is precisely what she has given me.

Why in the world would we get a puppy since we already have the sweetest dog? And a crazy life? And are trying to raise funds for a baby, not spend them on a dog?

Well, the truth is those are all really good questions. But as I laid feverish and sobbing in bed late Saturday evening, something made me go to Craigslist pet page and just look. She was the first picture I saw. I thought I might be crazy but I fell in love immediately. Dustin KNEW I was crazy (he has never doubted it since he met me).  We took the 3 hour round trip none-the-less with two (also sick) toddlers, a big black lab mix, a sick mommy and a cranky daddy just to get her.

Turns out it was a great decision for many reasons, not the least of which it has brought invaluable discussions about adoption and raising something as your own even if you didn't carry it as your own.

She is precious and perfect and cuddly just what this empty-armed momma needed about now. However, I will say it was a little hard when I realized the bedding I purchased for her was from the same the material the blanket that Claudette was buried in.

But the fact remains she is sweet and won over the hearts of so many already...and as she nibbles on my toes as I write this I ADORE HER MORE and MORE each second!

Here are some pictures and videos of her first week at home:

 Love at first sight.

 First bath..

Where's Waldo?

New bedding (yes identical material to Claudie's blanket)

First of many shenanigans I am sure Henry will get this little dog into...

But boy is he over the moon..

Can't you feel the love?

Faith is very protective and sweet...

Henry walking around the park with Hattie saying, "wanna pet my baby dog, Pickles?"

 Paparazzi frenzy at the 5K

Shopping with my gals...

 These flowers were a barter from the little British blonde in exchange for petting Hattie.

Need I say more? I mean look at that face!