Happy Endings

A year or more ago...honestly I don't know as time as no real measure now, my sister told me to write my story. I told her it doesn't have an ending yet.

At that point I was 38 years into a life that had been touched by juvenile chronic illness, baby death, parent death, special needs parenting, and trauma. 

I thought what final chapter am I looking for here? Little did I know the most surprising turn of events would happen shortly later and usurp any chance at a happy ending I would ever be able to have. Yep, the police pounding on my door on that beautiful night last spring nailed the coffin shut on a pretty final chapter. 

I felt my heart shivering and head longing to understand how my husband's taking his own life could not be the death of all of us left without him. I often say my husband died and went to heaven and he left me alive in hell. I no longer believe that to be true...most hours. I see life as tragic journey with multiple happy endings along the way.

In the last almost 9 months I have thought a lot about a happy ending. People say it isn't the beginning or the end the counts but the dash between the dates of our life. I don't agree. The beginning counts, the end counts. It all matters. The happy endings throughout the middle are what keep hope afloat however.

I don't know a lot about a lot at the moment. I am in survival mode and likely always will be to some degree.  But happy endings along the way have propelled me to this point and have been instrumental in helping my living children and I not sink. Some of those happy things are more like sentences to the book of life: Teddy meeting his buddy Mickey Mouse or getting a perfectly timed text from a friend. Seeing Henry play a perfect baseball game. Hearing Amelie sing like an angel from the backseat of the van. Some feel more like paragraphs like the alarm going off Dustin's phone in the moments I need him the most or seeing a rainbow at the exact time and date of the month anniversary of his death. Then there are the chapters, like finding love again in the least expected of places. These are all happy endings. Big and small. They are important and essential in human survival on this crummy earth. 

Nope, I no longer expect some grand final happy ending, at least not on this side of eternity.
Those whom I love died. 

Those whom I love will die. 

I will die. 

All of it is awful. 

Death is awful always. 

My deeper understanding of life's fragility increased the happy endings I experience and by default has made more joy in the journey.

The end...for now.

Happy and Honest

It is with deep guilt I acknowledge an emotion I don't think I deserve to feel especially this soon in the game but it is what I am feeling, happy.

After Dustin died I prayed and prayed for God to send me love again. I naively thought it would be perfectly fitting and socially acceptable grief time frame of at least over 1 year mark, preferably 7 years since that seems to be the timing others actually are worried about you moving forward. Careful what you pray for right?!

....So I wrote the above a while back and went to finish this blog post and surprised myself to find that I have changed how I view my life to date.  I do indeed NOT FEEL GUILTY because I am indeed not replacing Dustin any more than Teddy was a replacement for Claudie. It isn't Teddy's job to make me feel better after the death of his sister. Teddy's mere presence does however create healing.

Dustin's love was complete and full enough to last me until the end of my days. I do not need a substitute for him. In fact, I do not even WANT a substitute for him. There is NO SUBSTITUTE FOR HIM! But what I never excepted to miss so much was companionship. You create a life of communicating the mundane and trivial and it makes you feel connected. I am so blessed to have found someone who understands this on a very core level since they are a widower.

And the same goes for my children. Although, I don't know that it needs to be stated I will state it because I felt it needed to be stated when my dad move forward after my mom dying: there is no substitute for my children's father. He was enough for them! Just as I need companionship my children find value in a male playing legos with them and listening to their stories. My children are happy for this. This makes me the happiest because I am seeing that they do not have guilt they just take life for what is was given to them and are living this cruddy life the best way they know how. Once again my kids teach more than I could ever teach them.

I am realizing life is weirder and harder than I could ever imagine. I realize that judgement will come from those who do not understand moving forward at 7 months. (Do not worry I gave myself way more judgement than you could ever dish at me. ) I realize life will continue to be harder than hard and I will never be "healed". But I also know as long as I am honest with myself and my grief that life can be more beautiful than I could ever imagine.

The funny thing is I want to share this happy news with Dustin most of all and know he would be most happy for me of anyone.

The End of And

As of 6:10pm it makes 12 weeks since there was last an "&". 

Dustin & Alyvia

We were pretty great together huh?

You completed me. You saw me.

It's scary to think I have to live the rest without being seen. Being loved so fully and completely as you did me.

I am desperately lonely without you.

Someone posted on my FB post that is nice to see you me "moving on". Not sure how they would gather I am moving on from a post about running. Truth is I will never move on. You are apart of my every future breathe and nothing can change that.

I am trying to move forward however. I have no choice. The kids need a childhood.  I have to make a conscious choice every second of every day to keep my mind intact so that can happen.  But it's more than surviving for the kids.

A young widow asked what is a widow's purpose for going on. 80+ comments and everyone said their kids. The young widow then commented, "but we didn't get a chance to have kids, so what's my purpose?"

I thought and thought about that because frankly I was about to respond that the kids were my purpose too. But no person can be another's person purpose for living. You were my purpose and now your gone and I am here. Your death can't be the death of me too...although frequently I wish it was.

I must make conscious choices to live the fullest life I can not only for your honor but because I am child of God that alone makes me enough. Most moments living the fullest is simply doing the next right thing and most moments that is VERY hard.